Tuesday, June 28, 2011

BELIEVE A.A. 'Big Book's words re alcoholic's selfishness

The A.A. Big Book says that the heart of the problem with the alcoholic is his selfishness and self-centeredness.

I've posted about this over the years.......and we've all posted about how our alcoholics are 'that way'.

But it takes a long time in family recovery for us to REALLY internalize HOW DEEP that selfishness and self-centeredness runs.

WHY?

Because, since the alcoholism is, (as the A.A. Big Book says again), "alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful."

SO HOW ARE THOSE THINGS CONNECTED? HOW IS "HIS SELFISHNESS AND SELF-CENTEREDNESS BEING CENTRAL TO HIS BEING" CONNECTED TO OUR TAKING A LONG TIME TO INTERNALIZE THE TRUTH ABOUT THAT?

a.) What comes out his mouth has -------A COOKIE-CUTTER EFFECT.
To give examples----- over the years, I've received letters from India, Switzerland, New Zealand, etc etc........ from spouses of alcoholics who say THEIR ALCOHOLICS ALL SAY THE SAME THINGS AS IN ENGLISH LANGUAGE, IN THE "GETTING THEM SOBER" BOOKS----- IN THEIR OWN COUNTRY'S LANGUAGE! THE SAME EXACT WORDS! NOT ONE VARIATION!

Years ago, received a letter (before the Iron Curtain fell) from Poland-----a group of wives of alcoholics were meeting secretly to study "Getting Them Sober, volume one".......and their husbands ALL said the same thing-----in Polish. (They had to meet secretly because the book has prayers in it.)

The point is--------- the ALCOHOLIC is not so smart that he can 'run circles around you'--------they ALL run circles around us--------even the street-sweeper-borderline-retarded alcoholic husbands use THE SAME WORDS as the alcoholic husband who is a university professor.

Yes--------- the A.A. Big Book is a God-given book that TOTALLY describes the alcoholic....... and his supposedly 'cunning and powerful and baffling' way he "gets around us and confuses us".

It's his ALCOHOLISM that is baffling, cunning, and confuses us.

To know this is FREEING. It is EMPOWERING to us.

IT MAKES HIM MORE RIGHT-SIZED....... IT'S NOT HIM THAT IS 'SO SMART' THE WAY HE GETS AROUND US......... IT'S HIS ALCOHOLISM.

b.) So------- WHY does it take us so long to REALLY INTERNALIZE all this------EVEN WHEN WE LEARN THAT IT IS THE "DISEASE TALKING"?

WHY DO WE CONTINUE TO THINK 'HE' IS SO SMART AND CAN RUN CIRCLES AROUND US--------RATHER THAN "IT'S THE DISEASE THAT RUNS CIRCLES AROUND US"?

1. Because of the Charm that most alcoholics have. They love to charm us.
(We love to be charmed. UNTIL IT GETS OLD.)
2. Because of the back-and-forth nice-to-not-nice that he dishes out.
We get 'sucked in' when he's nice and sweet---------and OF COURSE hurt again when he's awful.
But--------his DISEASE knows JUST when to be sweet again-------to get us sucked back in.

Yes---------that DISEASE is very smart.......... baffling, cunning and powerful.

BUT OUR FAMILY RECOVERY IS MORE POWERFUL THAN THAT DISEASE.

And over time------- we slowly DO recover.

One more thing--------- PLEASE DON'T COMPARE YOUR PROGRESS IN RECOVERY TO THE PROGRESS IN RECOVERY OF OTHERS WHO ARE IN DIFFERENT SITUATIONS.

(It's akin to one person saying, "Oh, I don't worry about money anymore!" Like she's "so spiritual"--------ah, yes, she may be------- but she often NOW has enough money REGULARLY coming in! If your situation is that of wondering if you'll have enough milk money for the children--------- and if there is NO way you have enough to buy even day-old bread--------OF COURSE you are concerned! And OF COURSE you will worry! Your neighbor who 'stopped worrying' may very well be someone who NOW has food stamps! OF COURSE she now no longer worries about getting SOME food on the table tomorrow.
(AND------ of course praying does help to take away much worry----but we are not robots----and difficult situations ARE difficult).

WE NEED TO STOP SHAMING OURSELVES FOR HAVING FEELINGS WHEN THINGS ARE VERY TOUGH ON US.

WE NEED TO STOP COMPARING OURSELVES TO OTHERS...WE ALWAYS WIND UP 'FEELING LESS' WHEN WE DO THAT.

The lady in the Al-Anon group who is now not living with her alcoholic who was physically abusive, and he's in jail for the next 35 years------ is OF COURSE no longer afraid of being hurt tomorrow by him!

DON'T COMPARE YOURSELF TO HER WHEN YOUR ALCOHOLIC IS VIOLENT AND HE LIVES NEARBY AND HAS YOUR ADDRESS. OF COURSE YOU ARE NERVOUS!

Life is hard enough when we are involved with alcoholics.

And when we are mostly no longer involved with them---------it is much much easier to 'detach' from them.

I find that myself.

When others tell me that "Oh, Toby, you don't get upset by that alcoholic anymore because you are so terrific!"--------- I TRY TO BE VERY QUICK TO REMIND THAT PERSON THAT OF COURSE IT IS EASY FOR ME TO NOT GET THAT EMBROILED WITH THEM. I CAN HANG UP THE PHONE.......I DON'T LIVE WITH THEM.

It does not mean I don't have feelings!!

I can be affected...........I AM A HUMAN BEING.

(As my good buddy, Isabel, says (she co-founded Al-Anon in Baltimore, about 60 years ago)---------- "If I am stuck with a pin, I bleed!"

But--------- I KNOW when you say that to me, you are comparing yourself to my progress in family recovery. And I feel your hurt when you do that.

I CRINGE when you compare your recovery to mine or to anyone else's.

I KNOW what it feels like to feel "lesser" because I feel you are "doing better".

WHEN WE FEEL LESSER THAN OTHERS-------IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT WE ARE NOT HAPPY FOR THEM.
THAT CONFUSES PEOPLE.
They often think "If I am feeling lesser than that person-------I must not be happy for them. And not only am I lesser than them------now, I must be small-minded and not happy for them, either. How awful of me."

NO---------- we CAN feel happy for others-------and STILL compare ourselves to them.........and come out feeling "lesser" than them.

You know, over the years, I've posted many times how it is IMPERATIVE for our recovery that we STOP COMPARING OUR PROGRESS IN RECOVERY TO OTHERS-------AND STOP THINKING "HOW COME SHE CAN LEAVE HIM AND I CANNOT DO SO?"

You might be partially disabled-------you might have no ability to make the kind of money she makes------ you might have several children you are still trying to raise------ you might have elderly parents you have taken in-------in other words, HER SITUATION IS UTTERLY DIFFERENT FROM YOURS.

IF SHE IS NOT MARRIED TO HIM........HAS NO CHILDREN WITH HIM.......HAS A GREAT PROFESSION AND MAKES GOOD MONEY....... why in the world are you comparing your feeling that you cannot leave the home, even though he is "occasionally violent"-------when you have 5 kids and no way to make a living?

And---- we ALL have different childhood histories--------

a. some of us are members of a religion that teaches us that divorce is tantamount to going to hell
b. some of us have been so abandoned by awful parents------ that we are terrified when the thought of being alone comes in our heads
c. some of us are approaching old age and scared to death to be alone, no matter what
etc etc etc etc etc etc etc..........................

THAT is all why I wrote (in the Guidelines box above) that on this bulletin board, we cannot tell others to leave their relationships.

BUT------we need to remind ourselves OVER AND OVER------ that we ALL have the right to find OUR OWN WAY-------IN OUR OWN TIME-------- TO STAY OR LEAVE ANY RELATIONSHIP.

We need to give ourselves time to "find our own wiggle room" to see what WE really want to do.

Also because--------- things can change!!!
SOMETIMES --------- God intervenes and things change--------and we are SOOOOO glad that we stayed to see the change!

NO ONE knows the future.... and if we try to base what OUR decisions are becased on how someone else handled THEIR OWN situation------- we are doomed to fail.

To successfully do what WE need to do------- we need to follow ONLY our own hearts.

AND--------FOLKS-------NO ONE WRITES THE WHOLE SITUATION ON THE INTERNET........... SO WHEN YOU THINK THAT YOU WANT YOURSELF TO DO WHAT SOMEONE ELSE HAS DONE-------- YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT'S REALLY GONE ON------BEHIND THE SCENES.

When I am counseling ANYONE------- I find that ALMOST ALL THE TIME------ what they "present" at first--------is SOOOOO different from what is REALLY going on........ and they often don't even know it until it comes out in the counseling.

And when they discover what has been hidden EVEN FROM THEM------often changes what they thought they wanted to do, before........ love to all, Toby












































Saturday, June 25, 2011

My denial, my compassion, and my guilt pulled me down.

Felt it might be helpful to 'copy and paste' this chapter from the "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book, here, below. (That book is mostly about the hidden 'stuff' that we go through when we are separated from them).

I copied-and-pasted this chapter from the section on this website called "DOZENS of GTS excerpted book chapters".
That section has 33 fully-excerpted chapters there -- from 4 of the books.

(Please feel free to make as many copies as you need, of those excerpted chapters--- for friends//therapists, etc. If you are in therapy, it can be very useful to make copies of certain chapters to talk about in sessions with the therapist.)


Chapter 24: “My Denial, My Compassion, and My Guilt -- Pulled Me Down into It With Him, Again”


Most families of alcoholics go through certain stages of mood swings, after a separation.

They are:

a) Going back and forth between terror and relief and amazement that they had the courage to do it

b) Gratitude to God for helping them

c) Inability to sleep and other signals of situational – temporary – depression

d) Childlike wonder at the vastness of options open, now

* * *

What are other feelings that can lead into setbacks?

If we get into:

$ Smugness about having the strength to do it

$ Understandable, continual anger

Anger and self-righteous feelings can carry us through a certain period of time, but they do eventually end. Unfortunately, there is a boomerang effect from extended anger and self-righteousness. Families of alco­holics have much more of a sense of conscience and of “doing what’s right” than do other folk. Therefore, we tend to have guilt after we’ve angered onto someone for a period of time . . . a feeling of “we’ve got to make it up to them.”

This guilt is often subconscious.

What we (unconsciously) tell ourselves is that we need to “make up for our anger” by letting the other person off the hook. And we do that by going back into denial about how bad their behavior really was.

But, when we tell ourselves, especially uncon­scious­ly, that they were not so bad – then, we get blamed, because we left them! After all, if they were really just a little annoying, instead of abusive, then why in the world did we make such a big deal out of it, and leave?

We get back into the old behavior of taking the blame. Once again, we collude with the alcoholic in saying: “the family is at fault.”

The best way to counteract that is to write down the facts. Keep a fact-notebook. That is one of the best ways to end the minimizing that is often at the heart of family denial.

Example of how writing down the facts can help tremendously: Joanne told me about an incident that was so horrible that she ordinarily would have gone into her denial, and forgotten it. But, she had written it down in her fact-file, and could refer back to it when she told herself that he “probably wasn’t that bad.”

This is what she wrote about:

Joanne and her actively-alcoholic husband, Kirk, were in a marriage-counseling session. The therapist asked Joanne what she would really like from the marriage. Joanne answered that she would like it if Kirk came home at night, didn’t drink, that he would be nice, and that he would spend one whole week being good to her.

The therapist asked Kirk if he would spend one entire week being good to her. He shrugged his shoulders and shook his head No. The therapist was stunned that he wouldn’t agree to just that.

What I told Joanne that I found incredible is that the marriage counselor didn’t ask her a very important question: “Do you mean that in your entire 24-year marriage, Kirk has never been nice to you for seven consecutive days?”

* * *

Write down the facts. Keep them in a very safe place, so that they cannot be found to later hurt you.

We families of alcoholics go so very easily into denial and minimization, that we cannot trust our memories to come up with the truth. (I can’t count all the times that clients of mine have remembered something, and exclaimed, “I forgot that that happened!” And it was something like “he shot off guns in the house through the ceiling, all the time!” And the client told me this after weeks of her telling me that he “wasn’t that violent.”)

We must be able to remember the truths when we start to “romance the past.” For if we do not, we may have to repeat the past.

* * *

Another trap we can get into when our anger dies down is: great compassion for the alcoholic.

We often think that compassion will keep us at a detached distance from the alco­holic – and then we start thinking we are a step above holy! After all, he’s terrible and we’re kind and distanced and that leads easily into thinking we are wonderful.

In reality, that “compassion” is easily done away with as soon as the alcoholic acts up, again. Our feelings then turn into confusion and rage.

True detachment doesn’t feel noble. Nobility feelings are too transient. To keep it up, you’ve got to be so good all the time! (Besides, we tend to turn things around and convince ourselves that our family symptoms of sickness are virtues; we say, “I was so good to him. He’ll never find another one like me!” Then we go about trying to get a relationship with someone who will appreciate our overly-givingness! When, in reality, that is not a virtue! In fact, if we keep it up, we will just hook into another sickie, because only those kind will “appreciate” our sickness of giving too much. A well person will give a wide berth to someone who has to love too much.)

* * *

Our fears are the source of our over-abundant need to feel noble. We feel like we’ve got to be wonderful in order to have God’s permission to leave abuse.

That’s just not so. We can be allowed to leave abuse, even if we aren’t “wonder­ful”; and we can leave even if that abuse does not occur all the time.

The alcoholic doesn’t have to be Hitler, in order for us to have permission to leave.

* * *

If your therapist, your friends (maybe even your alcoholic too) are all telling you that you’re crazy for continuing to take abuse, then sometimes the one thing that helps is to tell yourself that you’ve been too turned upside-down by his behavior, right now, to make decisions.
So what you’ll do is go through the motions.
Let the lawyer (if he or she is a good one) make the decisions (like “go for half the property” when you want to give it all away to the alcoholic because you feel guilty for leaving). It’s sort of like, “Let Go And Let Lawyer.”






















































Friday, June 24, 2011

Wine is just a cultural thing in France

Oh yes, as we say in the field of alcoholism------ "the main symptom of alcoholism is denial".

And what 'better' denial than saying that drinking all that wine is "just a cultural thing"?

What is the truth?

Historically, France has the highest rate of cirrhosis of the liver in the world.

Why would countries want to continue to deny that so many of their citizens are dying of alcoholism? And continue to deny that so many of the families of alcoholics, there, are being physically and/or emotionally battered?

This is just speculation-----but I would imagine that much of France's income is from wine.

Now------- nothing wrong, of course, about making a living, making a profit----- but doing so within ethical boundaries.

But, can the booze industry make profit without alcoholism?
In the U.S., that is doubtful.

There was a blurb in back of an A.A. (their monthly magazine) Grapevine. It talked about the fact that 52% of the income from the "alcohol beverage industry" comes from 10% of its consumers. (I would imagine that it is now from around 18% of its consumers, because since that blurb was written, the alcoholism rate in adults in the U.S. has risen to around 18% of the population).

But in France, its a tourist and export industry------and many consumers are not alcoholic. So my guess is that the industry could still exist without alcoholism------but its income would diminish.

This all reminds me of a short story by Kafka-----"The Metamorphosis".

A man wakes up one morning and looks in the mirror and has turned into a giant cockroach.

He and his family are of course upset.

But, they do not know what to do.

He stays in his room and they toss apples in the room, to help keep him alive until they can all figure out what to do.

But his biggest worry is "how will I make a living?"

Now, this is, on the one hand, very understandable.
But------on the other hand, one wants to shout, "Look in the mirror! Do you KNOW what has happened to you?!"

Another analogy--------- in an old issue of "The Forum", the Al-Anon monthly magazine, there was a one-frame line-drawing cartoon. An alcoholic (drinking) was in the cellar with his wife.......he had her tied to a chair......and her feet were in a bucket of cement.
He was obviously going to kill her.
She said this to him ------- "Now, you make sure you clean up when you're done!"

One wants to shout, "Lady--------- do you KNOW what he is planning on doing to you?!"

Denial about alcoholism does not just come out the mouths of alcoholics--------it runs rampant in us------it happens in industry-------in government. (Of course, since around 18% of the population has alcoholism--- the numbers of people in the U.S. who have grown up with alcoholism have grown from 28 million to around 45 or more, million. And more than half of all helping professionals are adult children of alcoholics --with the same denial in them, that they grew up with, as children in alcoholic families---99% of whom never went to counseling or healing around their alcoholic-family-of-origin issues, including denial.)

We LEARNED to deny------our SHAME was the impetus for us to deny---- when we grew up in alcoholic families, we hid the alcoholism as best we could-------we took on the shame unto ourselves.
(That's what 'toxic shame' is all about).
Yes, if we grew up with alcoholic/abusive parents-------we carry that deep toxic shame and denial with us------and we need to heal from both.

But most of us who grew up with alcoholism/abuse------ the denial has ripple effects-------we carry denial into our new families, into our professions, into our communities.

None of us WANTS to see alcoholism.
That's why there are so few people in healing groups for families of alcoholics.
We don't want to face it. We want it to just go away...on its own.
That's why, I believe, Al-Anon named one of its early-on books, "Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism".

FACES it. Yep-------therein starts the healing. (P.S.----- a great book on healing from toxic shame is John Bradshaw's "Healing the Shame That Binds You")














































Thursday, June 23, 2011

It's hard to lose an alcoholic

"Knowing That It’s Hard to Lose an Alcoholic, Helps to Calm Us Down and Keep Us on the Recovery Path"

I said in my first book, "Getting Them Sober, Volume One", that it’s hard to lose an alcoholic. People have written to me and asked me what I meant by that.

Basically, it means this: YOU CAN MARRY HIM----DIVORCE HIM-----HE OR YOU CAN RE-MARRY SOMEONE ELSE----YOU CAN BOTH REPEAT THE PROCESS -------- OVER YEARS.

And the probability is that he’ll STILL want to be with you (what­ever that means to him), IN THE LONG RUN.

I know of a couple who have been separated for over 40 years. He lives in the woods of New Hampshire as a resident alcoholic recluse, Each Christmas, Easter, and birthday, he sends her a card . . . and he still considers her “his wife.”

This is not unusual.

This can be useful information to have, to get through the times when you are feeling panicky about losing him.

However, you may ask, “But WHEN will he come back, this time?”

It seems unfortunate, but the alcoholic/addict often begins to return home (wooing you all over again, albeit for a short time before starting on his “junk’’ again) WHEN YOU BEGIN TO NOT WANT HIM AROUND ANYMORE.

He often appears again JUST BEFORE you get over him entirely (and you can!). He probably doesn’t want to lose you. He has what I call “alcoholic radar.” (When they are into this behavior, they know just what to do; and WHEN to suddenly 'pop up'.)

During those terrible panic times when you are un­able to do much else than think about getting him back, it can be very comforting to have this information.

And it helps to know that even if he leaves again ------------ if you are willing to put up with it--------------- he probably will keep coming back.

But, it is good to remember the facts: as long as he continues to drink, the alcoholic will probably continue his elusive behavior.

Remembering that can help you to become more self-protective and keep some of yourself emotionally sep­arated from the situation.

Later, when you are calmer, you can deal with the idea of staying in a relationship with an alcoholic (or otherwise emotional­ly-unavailable person).

But, for now, just knowing that he will most likely be back (it you still want him) can help you through these panic-times.

* * *

Counselors sometimes ask me, “Why do you reassure her that he’ll probably come back, when it’s healthier for her to realize how sick that relationship is, and that she must let go?”

When families enter treatment, they most likely do not have to be told that an abusive (emotionally and/or physically) relationship is not good for them. They know it.

Very often, her history is that she and the alcoholic have both blamed her for the relationship problems over the years. If I chastise her for wanting him back, I am subtly adding to that blame to make her feel, again, that she is “wrong.”

If a counselor is baffled and shocked by the fact that she “still wants him back,” she does not understand addictive families.

Families’ greatest fear is that “they will lose him.”
Only if we can get beyond that obsessive fear, by telling her the reassuring facts, can we seriously get down to looking at options. For, when her panic dies down, she is often very willing to begin to look at reality. If I press her to look at this reality too soon, she will probably stop treatment, and then there is no chance to help her.

In other words, we do not lose ground by not getting right down to Divorce and Getting On With Your Life. And if I focus on what I think she should do (instead of under­standing that she is nowhere near that, in reality), she inherently knows that I know nothing about her.











Monday, June 20, 2011

"But he's drinking less........can he be getting better

There is a section on this website called "DOZENS of GTS excerpted book chapters". There, you can read fully-excerpted chapters from four books. (And-----please feel free to print out and make copies of any
of those chapters for friends in recovery, for therapists, etc.)

Here, I have 'copied and pasted' one of the chapters -------


from the "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book

Chapter 20: “But He’s Drinking Less Since We Separated. Can He Be Getting Better?”


Jan calls me every other week for counseling. She lives in Idaho, and is separated from her husband, Karl. Jan lives in a small town where she can’t help but see her husband or hear about him from others. He picks up the kids every other weekend and keeps them until Sunday evening.

Jan has a part-time job as an accountant. She keeps a spotless house and makes all her children’s clothing, as well as much of her own. She’s a rational woman . . . until he shows up.

Lately, Karl’s litany is to keep telling her that he “is controlling his drinking just fine.” That he “isn’t an alcoholic, like she always thought.”

Jan tells me “how well he seems to be doing” and then tells me that he is doing bizarre things in his apartment, like putting dirty ornaments from the yard on the coffee table and thinking they look good. (This is a man who used to be impeccable.)

She insists that he must be better, since he told her so. But, then she adds, in an “oh, by the way” manner: “Oh, he just got out of the hospital. His pancreas is acting up again.”

* * *

Denial in the entire family is multi-layered, deep, and subtle. Jan, even though she knew the facts, did not really “hear” when she heard that his pancreas was affected. Jan knew that that was a sign of his progressing alcoholism, but because she lived with Karl’s telling her for years that “she was over-reactive,” she tended to doubt herself. She believed that Karl was really getting better.

* * *

What is the truth?

Alcoholism develops in stages. In the first stage, the alcoholic usually has a higher tolerance for alcohol than do other human beings. He or she can drink more and “hold their liquor.”

In the next stage, the alcoholic usually can get as toxic from the alcohol as before, while drinking less of it. It just doesn’t take as much booze to get sick.

Round-the-clock maintenance drinking doesn’t usually occur until the last stages of the disease. So, if your alcoholic husband or wife isn’t drinking all the time – and therefore seemingly sometimes “controls” it – it’s because he or she has not yet reached that later stage of the disease.

* * *

If you find yourself in denial, note it. Make a “Denial” notebook. Write down your patterns in this area. The process of writing them down will enhance your awareness of them when they pop up again. You will be well on your way to recovery when you stay aware of your patterns.
 
 




Friday, June 17, 2011

Women & alcoholism // AND--what's a 'social drinker'?

According to the latest studies, when a woman drinks, each drink hits her like a double. A woman's body contains less water and more fatty tissue—which increases alcohol absorption—compared to a male body.
And women have a lower activity level of an enzyme called alcohol dehydrogenase (ADH), which breaks down alcohol.

This is not such important information for a woman who is a social drinker ---- as compared to how very important it is for a woman alcoholic.

Now, what is a "social drinker"?

Out of the mouths of many a male in A.A. ----- "I don't know why my wife bothers to drink. We go to a party----- she picks up a drink...... she gets involved in the conversation...... she sips at her one drink for a little bit...... she forgets about it because she is engrossed in the conversation......she puts it down. She walks somewhere else------and forgets that she even had the drink in her hand.
It gets warm.
It SITS there.
It does not get finished."



















http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-and-marriage.html






















http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-addiction-stories-1.html

For a non-alcoholic------drinking alcohol has NO importance at all.

When a non-alcoholic says the word 'party' ----it is a noun.... as in "we're going to a party".

It is not a 'verb' (as in "let's party!" ----said by many an alcoholic) ........

ALSO-------
For more extensive and detailed information on women and alcoholism-------please see the section on this website called "women and alcoholism" -------you can get to all the sections on this website by scrolling down the green sidebar on the left side of every page. ....... love to all in recovery, Toby