Friday, September 30, 2011

Financial 'rescuing' of the alcoholic

But ------- should we 'never' rescue the alcoholic financially?

There is NO one answer to this.

I had a friend who had a 16-year-old son who was dealing drugs, about 20 years ago. The son was hounded by his drug-sources and was possibly going to be hurt badly.

So, the parents moved him elsewhere-----paid for an efficiency apartment and utilities. Put food in the frig every week. Paid not one cent otherwise.

They knew for sure that the child would no longer be endangered if he stopped dealing drugs. He would continue to do minor small jobs for money, to take drugs, but he would not deal drugs anymore if he did not have to pay for a roof over his head and food.

Not a great choice-------like being between a rock and a hard place.

But these were parents-------and he was a child.
And this was the best solution for the time being that the parents could come up with.
And eventually, that child did get help......and still goes to meetings...... and is almost 20 years sober and clean.

Other people find that if their spouse is truly sober and going to A.A. and is really committed to staying sober......but is having terrible times with toxic withdrawal and can't "get it together' in their brains enough yet, to keep a roof over their heads.......then the spouse may choose to help them out financially.

Now, this is VERY individual.

Sometimes, when we do that --------- help them out with money----- we could kick ourselves afterwards, if we are not living with them and they wind up having sex with other the room that we paid to keep a roof over their heads.

So------- it is VERY individual..........

From Toby Drews, the author of the million-selling "Getting Them Sober'' books, endorsed by 'dear Abby', Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, and Melody Beattie:
phone 410-243-8352

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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The alcoholic is not separate from his alcoholism.

The Alcoholic Does Not Exist Separately from the Alcoholism!
I hear a lot from family members that they “can’t totally believe that the alcoholism has that much control over the alcoholic.”

Very often, that statement stems from a belief system that tells the family that “there’s the alcoholism over here – and the alcoholic and his nuttiness over there.”

They think of alcoholism only as cirrhosis of the liver, or ­late-stage brain damage, or falling-down drunken­ness.

They can’t quite believe that the alcoholism controls all the person’s thoughts, actions, and feelings.

Why is the family unable to get past their own denial?

a) The family doesn’t really understand that a person’s thoughts, feelings, and actions are highly influenced by toxic poisons acting on the brain/spinal cord/central nervous system.

The alcohol isn’t just working on the brain when the person is drinking. It takes a long time to get it out of the system, and the alcoholic is usually drinking again before it’s out. So, there isn’t usually any real “sobriety” at all.

(Picture people going into surgery on twilight drugs. They say weird things and are not “loving and understanding and involved with their spouses.” Picture doing this for months and years, day after day, and you have regularly-distorted thoughts, feelings, and actions.)

b) The family often wants to believe that there really is a psychiatric reason for all this. This is because if the alcoholic refuses to go to treatment, the family natur­ally feels despairing and hopes that the problem may be something other than the alcoholism so that the alcoholic will go to some kind of “treatment.” (In the hope that something “will take” and he’ll get well.)

The problem is, the majority of therapists do not understand alco­hol­ism. They often try to help the alco­holic focus on his/her childhood to supposedly “get to the root of the problem.” They think that the “root of the problem” is not alcoholism, but a psy­chiatric reason. They believe, therefore, that the alcoholic can’t really stop drinking until that “psy­chiatric root cause” is found. Then (accord­ing to this theory), the real need for alcoholic drinking would just wither away.

The alcoholic often agrees to go to this kind of treatment because he knows it leaves his drinking intact.

The problem is, that treatment approach seldom works.

Alcoholism is not secondary to a psychiatric prob­­lem. Alcoholism is a primary disease in and of itself.

Historically millions of alcoholics have died from the effects of alcoholic drinking – while trying to “get at the root of the problem” in therapy. (As a matter of fact, many people do discover, and “work on” their childhood trauma in therapy – and still continue to drink and die.)

And, even if there is a psychiatric problem in addition to the alcoholism, it is very difficult to treat the mental illness unless total abstinence from alcohol is first attained.

It is also extremely difficult to even diagnose whether or not a person has a psychi­atric illness in addition to alcoholism, if that person is still drinking. The alco­hol-induced crazy behavior must be at least somewhat abated by sobriety, in order to correctly assess the patient. Many people have been incor­rectly diagnosed as “mentally ill” – when in fact they have alcohol-induced behaviors that mimic mental illness.

Additionally, it is often difficult to convince an alcoholic to leave ineffective psychi­atric counseling – to go for real help for the alcoholism – because that atten­dance at the therapist’s office is a further excuse to continue drinking! The alcoholic says to the family, “What do you mean, get help? I’m getting help! I’ve been see­­­ing my therapist every week now for five years! What more do you want?” And sadly, many therapists who do not understand alcoholism really believe that the “family interaction” causes the alcoholic’s drinking. Therefore, those therapists focus not on the alcoholism, but on the “family anger” at the alcoholic. As a result, more blaming of the family goes on – this time with the stamp of approval of therapy.

c) The family sees the alcoholic as such a tin god – so powerful – they wind up with a block against believing that anything is more powerful than the alcoholic. (The alcoholic has told the family that for years, and the family naturally believes it.)

* * *

Think about how powerful you think your alcoholic is. Think about how it colors all your beliefs about control issues; about treatment; about what you have the right to do and not to do; and about your self-image.

From Toby Drews, the author of the million-selling "Getting Them Sober'' books, endorsed by 'dear Abby', Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, and Melody Beattie:
phone 410-243-8352

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Friday, September 23, 2011

Using "normal relationship" terms when alcoholism

Just read in a posting, that 'compromise is what we do, in a marriage'.

Got me thinking about the difference between marriages without abuse or alcoholism ------ and marriages with alcoholism.

In the "April, 2006, Recovery Tip of the Month" (on that section of this website), there is this paragraph -------

"We subconsciously feel like we should be like that new trash bag that is advertised on tv now------- the one that stretches and stretches --- to way beyond what other trash bags have been able to do ------- to accomodate more and more garbage."

That's akin to us, and the idea of "compromise".

When WE compromise------it goes way beyond the pale.

When counselors see couples, we of course help them to learn to compromise --------so, what kinds of things are typical?

We teach him to maybe go golfing one day a week, only, since he watches sports on tv (and does not want to be interrupted except for emergencies), three nights a week.

We teach her (when he has been travelling for work, 5 days a week for decades---------and he is now retired) to 'catch herself' when he is wanting equal input into how things, large and small, will be managed in that home. In those years of his travelling most of the time, she of course had to make all those decisions, and grew used to it.

What is different in homes with alcoholism? It's like there is one partner who is normal-------and one with alzheimers. And we're trying to teach them how to make judgments about life, together.

Why say 'alzheimers'? Because it, too, is a disease where the brain does not function properly, and one cannot rely on their judgment about matters. Oh, sometimes, while the disease is in earlier stages, the alzheimers patient will be very lucid and fool everyone------but it is progressive, and that is less and less, over the years.

In marriages with alcoholism, we, of course, focus so much on how he behaves toward us------that we sometimes forget------and think he 'just needs to learn how to behave right'.

He has, if he is alcoholic-------a toxic-brain disease.
A toxic-brain disease that is progressive and will either kill him or lead him to the back wards of a psychiatric hospital, with no more memory and no more ability to make more memories.
Alcoholics who reach that stage have "wet brain"....... a blank brain with no knowledge of who you are------or who they are.
When an alcoholic reaches that stage, it is irreversible.

There are literally millions of alcoholics in the back wards of hospitals, with wet brain.
The V.A. hospitals are filled with them.

No, we do not "compromise" with alcoholics in a marriage.
For, 'compromise' means that two sides of a discussion make joint decisions about how to BOTH 'give in' to make things work out well.

We, instead, adapt.
Adapting is done by the non-alcoholics in a family, to make the alcoholic 'happy', for a time.

And we do learn ways to make that happen, in the short term.
But, we also need to keep that 'trash bag stretching' ------- to accomodate to what they demand.

And those demands not only grow larger.
Our 'rewards' get smaller.
And occur less often.

We reach the point where we "really feel we know them"...... where we are pretty vigilant about 'reading them' to see what they want-------to anticipate what they want------ in order to 'head them off at the pass'.

To be sure to meet their 'needs'/wants -------- hopefully, to make sure we reach our goal-------to stop them from hurting us-----to make them at least temporarily half-way-nice to us.

We stretch and stretch and stretch........ to be able to 'do' for them...... so we can have a modicum of a relationship....even if it is a pretense of a they will want to be with us.

No, we've gone way beyond the pale about 'compromise'.
That word is not even within sight of what we do, to keep an alcoholic relationship going.


One of the MOST important ways to heal ----- is to "watch our language".

HEAR ourselves when we use terms that make it seem that we 'have normal relationships' when it is alcoholism.

Saying, "I compromise" SEEMS like it is what is done and expected to be done, in marriages.
Compromising IS what is done in 'normal marriages'.
But it is NOT what we are referring to, when we talk about what WE do.

Part of our healing is to pay a LOT of attention to our terminology------for, our terminology is the language of denial.

The language of SUBTLE denial that keeps us locked into the craziness of alcoholism.

P.S........ We often say to ourselves, when we don't want to hear all this, "oh I know what I mean when I say xxxxx".

Even though we 'know' what we 'mean'------- when we keep using 'normal relationship' terms when referring to what we do in an alcoholic situation, it is a subtle way of minimizing what is going on.

And when we 'fight for our right' to continue to minimize ------- we OF COURSE are just not wanting to face the whole kit and kaboodle entirely.

And that is understandable!

But we if we want to heal MORE QUICKLY------ way down deep------ we need to tell ourselves the truth and face the truth------NO MATTER IF WE STAY OR LEAVE.

For, if we skew the truth to ourselves, with all kinds of justifications.......
we still are thinking, then, that it will be easier for us to stay in the relationship if we don't tell ourselves the entire truth as it is.

And that is just not true.

The devastation we feel when the crises happen------- when the INEVITABLE crises happen------ are LESS devastating to us when we "kept one foot out of the circle" all along.
When we did not let ourselves forget the truth-----even when we are enjoying the moments when it is good.

Yes, we can---------AND SHOULD------- stay in 'one day at a time'.

But staying in it realistically is one of the things that attendance at Al-Anon, on a regular basis, is so good at.

Going to those face-to-face meetings does help so much to learn to keep a balance....... to learn to enjoy the moments when he is nice......and to learn to still be self-protective.

And to be really self-protective, we cannot tell ourselves half-truths.

Why say 'self-protective'?

Because when we do not want to face the alcoholism and the fact that it is progressive------ when it does progress------if we've let our guard down, so to speak (i.e., tried to 'forget' that there is alcoholism when it is good for a time with him) ------- we get hit like a tidal wave.

This happens mostly with people new to family recovery.

When we've been around recovery for a while, we each learn, in our own way, to find ways to enjoy the moments------without entirely forgetting what is really going on.
That as long as he is drinking, it is of necessity-------not of his choice------that it will get worse.
But it "hits us" not at all as much------when it progresses----- when we expect it.
We can then deal with it SO much more easily.
And how to "expect it"?
By not forgetting that it is inevitable as long as he keeps drinking.
From Toby Drews, the author of the million-selling "Getting Them Sober'' books, endorsed by 'dear Abby', Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, and Melody Beattie:
phone 410-243-8352

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Monday, September 19, 2011

Resulting 'treatment' when alcoholics not diagnosed properly

There is a persistent trend in mental-health treatment that can mis-direct people from receiving proper treatment for the fatal and progressive disease of alcoholism.

It is the idea that mental-health problems are the root cause of alcoholism. (You can see a detailed partial answer to that problem in the 'September, 2000, Recovery Tip of the Month'.)

In the "Getting Them Sober, volume 3" book, there is a section chronicling the 350 secondary diseases to alcoholism. I included a sub-section on psychiatric problems that arise from, or are triggered by, alcoholism. What that means is that many mental-health problems that would otherwise be of minor consequence or just lie dormant, come to the fore and run rampant when triggered by alcoholism. (In the section of the book with the secondary diseases, there are also interviews with leading experts, including James Milam, author of the classic book, "Under the Influence", on why this triggering of secondary diseases happens.)

The good news is that for most persons, when they do get treatment, and attend A.A. on a regular basis-- those problems usually subside greatly or go away entirely. (This of course, is not true of alcoholics with major psychiatric illness in addition to their addiction. Then, they still need A.A., of course, but also usually need additional counseling/possible medications for their 'dual diagnosis').

But I want to emphasize that most alcoholics do not also have major mental illness! If they get and stay sober, their therapists and family members are delighted to see "a different person!". (This does not apply to people who are 'dry drunks'.... i.e., people who don't drink, but who do not go to A.A. Many of them don't drink, but keep the personality problems that wreak havoc on others and themselves.)

The real problem lies with the diagnosis and treatment of drinking alcoholics. There are literally millions of alcoholics who have died because their alcoholism was bypassed, and their secondary psychiatric illness was treated as their primary illness. Their alcoholism was not seen as the primary disease. Most of those drinking alcoholics did -- and continue to -- go to therapy to deal with their personality problems---- which are looked upon as the root cause of their drinking. And many of them die (or go insane) because of it.

About 20 years ago, there was a line-drawing cartoon in the A.A. monthly magazine, the Grapevine, of three guys lowering their buddy into a grave, and the caption was something like, "It's too bad; he was doing so well in therapy. He just couldn't stop drinking."

This does NOT mean that personality problems should not be addressed. Certainly Al-Anon teaches family members how to deal with the junk that comes from the drinking.
But, again, the alcoholic must "get sober first" if deep and lasting personality changes can occur for most drinking alcoholics. And with A.A., most alcoholics DO have deep and lasting personality changes! Of course, many people need counseling after getting sober, in addition to A.A., but that doesn't keep one sober. Sobriety is the cornerstone. Without it, most other changes are not possible.

But all this raises a serious other question: Why are some family members so easily sidetracked into actually wanting to think that alcoholism is not the central core issue-- into wanting to agree, sometimes, with therapists who do not understand alcoholism-- that the drinking is not the main problem?
I think that it is entirely understandable. We get so sick and tired of it all and we get to feeling that 'they'll never get sober' ... we want to believe that the problems that arise from the alcoholism are the main problems, and that if they can be taken care of, the drinking will wither away by itself.

And, the alcoholic often LOVES to "go to therapy" instead of going to A.A. He 'senses' that he can talk and talk and talk for years------and still keep drinking------ when he agrees to just 'go to therapy'. Many alcoholics will say, when intervened upon, "ok I'll get help. I'll see a therapist"
......... knowing full well that it is their last-ditch attempt to continue drinking by trying to avoid A.A. and still keep everyone happy that "he is getting help".

What is good to remember is that almost every family member who has a spouse or someone in A.A., has thought to themselves--- even the day before that person started A.A.--- that "they'll never make it." And there are over 4 million people in A.A. in the U.S. that belie that thought, thank goodness!

Hazelden used to publish (it is out of print), a wonderful pamphlet (called the "Alcoholic woman's mad mad world of denial and mind games" -------- about a drinking woman alcoholic who tells her husband that she'll go to therapy (when he confronts her drinking). So, she goes to a therapist, and she continues the junk behavior and the drinking.
And her husband complains. And she says, in essence, "what do you want?! I'm getting help!"

From Toby Drews, the author of the million-selling "Getting Them Sober'' books, endorsed by 'dear Abby', Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, and Melody Beattie:
phone 410-243-8352

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Monday, September 12, 2011

Does the alcoholic drink 'because of problems?

It is so easy to slide into believing that the alcoholic drinks "because of a problem". And that if the alcoholic just "gets to the root of the problem", then the drinking/drugging problem will just "wither away" by itself. That was the thinking of almost the entire mental-health profession about 25 years ago -- before the days of James Milam (author of "Under the Influence"), who, along with other pioneers in the field of addictions, toured the country on a regular basis, lecturing and training mental-health practitioners, judges, pastoral counselors, nurses, criminal-justice personnel, and others, to help them understand that alcoholism is a primary disease.

What does that mean? It means that nothing can get you drunk. It means that no matter what else is going on in your life; no matter what your childhood was like; it means that no matter what your job is like, your spouse and/or kids are like; that none of those things get you drunk. Yes, they cause stress! Life causes stress! And if everyone who had stress drank alcoholically, everyone would be an alcoholic.

But the stressors of life are not what makes one an alcoholic. You "get" alcoholism because you are genetically predisposed to it. (You have to go back about six or eight generations to see the proclivity to alcoholism in one's family; just because your parents did not have it, doesn't mean it is not in your family. And back then, no one said people were alcoholic unless they were falling down in the gutter. And they certainly did not say that women or the clergy or any "good people" were alcoholic).

But, getting back to the mythology of "stress causing alcoholism": Yes, stress can make you want to drink. Yes, having violent parents and being thrown out on the street at age 17 can make you want stress-relief and want to drink. But if you don't have the brain receptors, etc., to be alcoholic or addicted, it'll be a "passing phase". (It's like the veterans after Vietnam: many, many of them tried heroin in Vietnam; but only 1/3 of those who took it in Vietman, continued to take it, after they came home. Why?

Because if you don't have the physical set-up to become an alcoholic or other-drug addict, you won't. Look at all the spouses in Al-Anon who are not alcoholics who sat on barstools to try to drink alongside their alcoholic spouses, to be there, to have their spouses at least physically with them -- and who could not keep up the drinking, even when they tried to.) And, if a catastrophe in life happens to a non-addict/non-alcoholic-- and if they drink, or do any other temporary thing to relieve stress-- if they are not addicted, they will probably, after awhile, not continue that drinking, but get down to dealing with life on life's terms.

The difference with alcoholics is that if they start to drink at all, even for a "legitimate stress reason", then the craving and the obsession make them continue the process of the disease of alcoholism. And once that disease process in in effect, that disease does not need any "reason" to drink: In other words, alcoholics drink because the Yankees won/ alcoholics drink because the Yankees lost/ and alcoholics drink because the Yankees didn't play.

It often LOOKS like the alcoholic drinks because he lost his job-- or because he hates the weather. But when that same alcoholic gets a job... a better-paying job -- and/or moves to where the weather is great....... the probability is that alcoholic will still continue drinking or start drinking again, and the disease will still progress and the drinking will get worse. "Stuff" happens. "Stuff" does not cause alcoholism.

When alcoholics get sober and go to A.A. on a regular basis, they learn to replace that knee-jerk reaction of picking up a drink or a chemical for stress-relief -- and replacing it with "taking it to a meeting" and talking about it. And by the Grace of God, it relieves it. A way is found to deal with it.

One more thing: when an alcoholic has, alongside the alcoholism, a psychiatric illness (like clinical depression), they may initially only drink to relieve the clinical depression -- and they may receive temporary relief from it because they drank.

But, and this is a big "but" -- when they drink even for that reason -- it gets and keeps the disease-of-alcoholism process going. And even if that particular cycle of clinical depression "lets up" for awhile because of the temporary relief of the alcohol -- the alcoholic drinking usually continues, because the alcoholism has its own dynamic and is itself progressive, and it gets to exists alongside, in addition to, the psychiatric illness.

And if the alcoholism is not treated for itself and the drinking does not stop (even if the psychiatric illness is treated with medication and therapy) then two things usually happen: a.) intaking alcohol when the medicine is in the body usually makes the medicine less effective; and b.) the alcoholism follows a progressive course and continues to eventually make that person's life worse on just about every level, if not all levels, of one's life. And it usually continues to make that psychiatric illness worse, too.

If a person with both psychiatric illness and alcoholism wants to get better, they usually have to get help for both problems-- and that help is often found in an alcoholism treatment center (one that is A.A.-oriented) that is good at diagnosing and treating persons with both addiction and psychiatric illness. And after initial treatment is completed, ongoing counseling --as well as A.A., of course--is usually the prescribed course of treatment.

From Toby Drews, the author of the million-selling "Getting Them Sober'' books, endorsed by 'dear Abby', Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, and Melody Beattie:
phone 410-243-8352

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Friday, September 9, 2011

How collect child support (even if child over 18 years old).

If efforts to collect back-due child support are not working for you, in your State (and all States have differing laws on this) ------ then it often helps to see whether a Child Support Collection Agency can be beneficial in your case.

They work on a performance basis and only get paid when they collect for you. The negative with this strategy is that most of the agencies will take a portion of the money they collect ----- most get the first $375 that they collect).

But since they can also collect interest on the amount due, this usually covers most of their fees.


The top three collection agencies seem to be

a. 'nationalchildsupport' (I have heard that this one does not keep the first $375 it collects)

b. 'childsupport'

c. 'supportkids'
(you can Google Search for them, by typing in their names just as I have written them here -----without the single quote marks).
NOTE-----it is very important to carefully review (with an attorney) any documents you are given to sign---before signing anything.

From Toby Drews, the author of the million-selling "Getting Them Sober'' books, endorsed by 'dear Abby', Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, and Melody Beattie:
phone 410-243-8352

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Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Wall the same AND very different, too

a. we have alcoholics------ but some are womanizers----some are not-----some make a lot of money------some make their families wonder where the next dinner is going to come from

b. some of us have basically sweet guys--------some of us have alcoholics who have quite serious other psychiatric problems

c. some of us will be quite happy if we have our guys back, even if they never work more than 10 hours per week....... and that could make some of us flinch with wondering 'why she puts up with it' ...... but that WILL make some of us happy...... and no one has the right to play God and even IMPLY that it is "not enough" for YOUR relationship

d. some of us just can't stand waiting one more minute to see how it will work out ......... some of us would be willing to wait two more years, if it could, indeed, work out

e. It is so wonderful how people do share THEIR experience, strength, and hope here---------- but, as the Guidelines for this bulletin board say (see the box above)--------- please do not even imply that a particular path might be better for another person..........even if it did work for you.

Stick to the "i" statements-------- "I did this"-------not "this is or might be, better for you".

WHY? Because the way that we family members "are made" inside, we take it all very seriously.

And we ARE ALL going to do what WE want to do--------no matter what we agree with--------no matter what YOU say --------or imply.

And the problem then gets to be------- if what we choose to do, does not work out-------- we will feel very guilty and ASHAMED that we didn't follow YOUR implied advice.

And THAT is the BIGGEST stop-per to us getting on with our family recovery. (Shame and guilt are the biggest boulders on the family-recovery path).

That shame makes us------ if not stop treatment for ourselves-------- it makes most of us hesitate to any time again, DISCLOSE WHAT IS REALLY REALLY GOING ON.


And the ironic thing is--------when we leave out important facts-------then the 'feedback' we get on a board on the internet-------is USELESS.

For people are replying to our posts BASED ON WHAT WE SAY.

And MOST OF THE TIME------- when we leave out CERTAIN details-------- they are the MOST important things about what is REALLY going on.

Why do we leave out those details if we have been shamed before?

Because if we do disclose thoroughly again---------we feel that we will probably encounter yet another well-meaning person who lets us know that her suggestion is best for us....and we will know, deep inside, that we CANNOT follow her suggestion------and we will, again, feel ashamed of it.
......and then we'll go through, once again, that merry-go-round of shame, withdrawal from disclosure, etc.


f. SO------what DOES work?

1. All of us need to share ONLY our experience. Not even imply that something might be best for 'you'......even if it worked for you.

2. And if a certain path has been implied to you ------- remember that the person is "coming from" THEIR situation-----THEIR experience------THEIR alcoholic partner with THEM--------NOT YOUR SITUATION.

3. Why does it work when we do NOT tell others what to do?
Even when I am counseling a person --- I don't tell them what to do. Why?

First, the reason I just wrote....... that people will do what THEY want to do, no matter what 'you' say.

Second, people learn best------ internalize the learning to where it STICKS WITH THEM ------- when THEY choose their own paths!

How does that work? For instance----how do people choose more wisely, when they see a counselor?

In counseling, a client gets feedback about the REALITY of the situation. (NOT 'telling you what to do with the feedback'-----you just get valuable feedback where you learn what are YOUR particular hidden realities----hidden from you by your own unconscious).

One gets information about 'what is really going on behind the scenes', in the situation, and what might very well be going on, in your patterns that have been formed since your childhood.......that are very probably impacting on the present situation.

Patterns that---------
a. make you not-see certain realities
b. keep you perceiving situations in distorted ways
c. stop you from perceiving what you are capable of
d. stop you from believing that you deserve the good in life

4. The "odd" truth-----the paradoxical irony-------is that when we are given TOTAL wiggle-room WITHOUT A WORD OF DIRECT OR IMPLIED SUGGESTION OF WHAT WE 'SHOULD DO'-------- we get to where we are most comfortable with our decisions------SOONER!!

5. So, on this bulletin board------- the 'rule' is, we all RESPECT the right of everyone to wiggle their way through their own paths-------- until we ALL organically reach where they find it most comfortable for US.

For, no one will have to live with the consequences, if any of us follows what someone else feels is best for us-------except us.