Here, I've 'copied and pasted' part of the Guidelines from that box, above, on this page.
"Do not advise others to stay in, or leave, their relationships. And do not give any advice -- direct or implied -- at all. Please just share your own experience, strength, and hope --and others can glean for themselves, what they would like to do. 1/3 of marriages (and more, in alcoholic homes) have domestic violence, and we do NOT know enough about any situation, on the internet, to make suggestions that would, for certain, not put them in danger, if they carried them out."
Part of "..and do not give any advice" includes not telling people to "stay strong".
Why?
What happens when that is done?
a. people think, when reading this, that it is good.......after all, who wants to "be weak"? Or who wants to be considered to "be weak"?.
But, almost all of us are going to vacillate--- go back and forth on feelings, actions--- at least 8 times ---or 80 times----- before we 'land' where we want to finally be-----at a place that is good for our own unique situation.
b. Then, what happens after we post for help------and we read a reply that says, "stay strong" from a well-meaning person?
We at first, think, 'oh yes --thanks for the reminder! I'll do that!"
Then-----for MOST of us------ reality sets in----the anger dies down for the moment----- and we miss them---- we go into whatever we go into, in our heads---- and we DON'T "stay strong" (whatever that means to you).
And then what?
We feel shame.
We get scared to post that "we reverted"......again.
ESPECIALLY if we have gone back and forth dozens of times-----and we're scared that people are rolling their eyes at us.
What then? Many of us then retreat into silence, and don't post.
We're just too ashamed to let people know that we "were not strong".
c. And------- what do most of us mean when we admonish someone to 'stay strong'?
We almost always say that to someone when they HAVE LEFT a situation...... like, "great! now STAY away!"......or we say it to someone when they 'stood their ground'....... or 'told him off'.
The same shaming applies to all that.
When they again stop telling him off-----or they go back home-----or they tell him they love him-----or they call him------ or whatever----- they do it with shame.......for, they remember that they were told to "stay strong".
And they weren't "being strong".
Please please do not post and tell others to "stay strong".
I do delete posts that say that to people.
For goodness sakes, we ALL know that it does not feel good when we return to yukky situations!
We all know that it feels not-good when we call him-----and he has contempt in his voice when we do so.
THAT feels bad enough.
We don't need to feel shame on top of it.
We will ALL work through our particular dilemmas of whether to stay or leave------or find another option------ WHEN we are allowed to do so WITHOUT PRESSURES OR PERSUASIONS.
Al-Anon is SO wise.
It says, "we do not give advice."
And-----the paradox is, we all find our own ways, in our own time, on our own path-----when we ARE allowed to do so without pressures or persuasions------- SOONER THAN IF WE HAD HEARD THE WELL-MEANING BUT SHAMING WORDS, 'STAY STRONG'. ........ love to all, Toby
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Do they drink because "of problems"?
I copied and pasted this "September, 2000, Recovery Tip of the Month" from that section of this website. (There are 12 Recovery Tips per year, archived on that section, since 1999......some people tell me that they get to read them all by clicking on one year per day and just reading those tips.....that way, they get to better keep track of what they have read and what they still want to read).
here is that 'recovery tip of the month'-------
It is so easy to slide into believing that the alcoholic drinks "because of an emotional problem".
And the thinking is -- that if the alcoholic just "gets to the root of the problem", then the drinking/drugging problem will just "wither away" by itself.
That was the thinking of almost the entire mental-health profession about 25 years ago -- before the days of James Milam (author of "Under the Influence"), who, along with other pioneers in the field of addictions, toured the country on a regular basis, lecturing and training mental-health practitioners, judges, pastoral counselors, nurses, criminal-justice personnel, and others, to help them understand that alcoholism is a primary disease.
What does that mean? It means that nothing can get you drunk.
It means that no matter what else is going on in your life; no matter what your childhood was like; it means that no matter what your job is like, your spouse and/or kids are like; that none of those things get you drunk.
Yes, they cause stress!
Life causes stress!
And if everyone who had stress drank alcoholically, everyone would be an alcoholic.
But the stressors of life are not what makes one an alcoholic.
You "get" alcoholism because you are genetically predisposed to it.
(You have to go back about six or eight generations to see the proclivity to alcoholism in one's family; just because your parents did not have it, doesn't mean it is not in your family. And back then, no one said people were alcoholic unless they were falling down in the gutter.
And they certainly did not say that women or the clergy or any "good people" were alcoholic).
But, getting back to the mythology of "stress causing alcoholism": Yes, stress can make you want to drink.
Yes, having violent parents and being thrown out on the street at age 17 can make you want stress-relief and want to drink.
But if you don't have the brain receptors, etc., to be alcoholic or addicted, it'll be a "passing phase".
It's like what happened with the U.S. veterans after the Vietnam war was over ----- a huge percentage of them had tried heroin in Vietnam---- but only 1/3 of those who took it in Vietman, continued to take it, after they came home.
Why? Because if you don't have the physical set-up to become an alcoholic or other-drug addict, you won't.
(Look at all the spouses in Al-Anon who are not alcoholics who sat on barstools to try to drink alongside their alcoholic spouses, to be there, to have their spouses at least physically with them -- and who could not keep up the drinking, even when they tried to.)
And, if a catastrophe in life happens to a non-addict/non-alcoholic-- and if they drink, or do any other temporary thing to relieve stress-- if they are not genetically addicted------ they will probably, after awhile, not continue that drinking, but instead, get down to dealing with life on life's terms.
The difference with alcoholics is that if they start to drink at all------
even for a "legitimate stress reason"-------- then the craving and the obsession make them continue the drinking--------
because the process of the disease of alcoholism takes over.
AND ONCE THAT DISEASE PROCESS IS IN EFFECT, THAT ALCOHOLIC DOES NOT NEED ANY 'REASON' TO DRINK ------AFTER THAT DISEASE PROCESS IS IN EFFECT ---- THEN THE ALCOHOLIC DRINKS BECAUSE THE YANKEES WON // BECAUSE THE YANKEES LOST // AND BECAUSE THE YANKEES DIDN'T PLAY.
It often LOOKS like the alcoholic drinks because he lost his job-- or because he hates the weather....... or misses his mother.........or he hates his mother....... or you had too many children.......or the boss wants to tell him what to do, for goodness sake!....... or it rained too many days this year..... or he's bored because he can't find a job that is up to his standards, even though you are working two jobs to keep a roof over your heads.
(AND OF COURSE, HE TOLD YOU HE HAS ALL THESE 'REASONS' FOR HIS DRINKING....... HE HAS TOLD YOU THAT FOR SO LONG THAT OF COURSE YOU PARTIALLY OR FULLY BELIEVE IT).
But when that same alcoholic gets a job... a better-paying job -- and/or moves to where the weather is great....... the probability is that alcoholic will still continue drinking or start drinking again, and the disease will still progress and the drinking will get worse than it's ever been before.
(The disease of alcoholism is fatal and progressive).
"Stuff" happens in life........................to everyone.
"Stuff" does not cause alcoholism.
When alcoholics get sober and go to A.A. on a regular basis, they learn to replace that knee-jerk reaction of picking up a drink or a chemical for stress-relief -- and replacing it with "taking it to a meeting" and talking about it.
And by the Grace of God, it relieves it.
A way is found to deal with it.
One more thing------- when an alcoholic has, alongside the alcoholism, an additional psychiatric illness (like clinical depression), they may initially only drink to relieve the clinical depression -- and they may receive temporary relief from it because they drank. But, and this is a big "but" -- when they drink even for that reason -- it gets and keeps the disease-of-alcoholism process going. And even if that particular cycle of clinical depression "lets up" for awhile because of the temporary relief of the alcohol -- the alcoholic drinking usually continues, because the alcoholism has its own dynamic and is itself progressive, and it gets to exists alongside, in addition to, the psychiatric illness. And if the alcoholism is not treated for itself and the drinking does not stop (even if the psychiatric illness is treated with medication and therapy) then two things usually happen:
a.) intaking alcohol when the medicine is in the body usually makes the medicine less effective; and
b.) the alcoholism follows a progressive course and continues to eventually make that person's life worse on just about every level, if not all levels, of one's life. And it usually continues to make that psychiatric illness worse, too. If a person with both psychiatric illness and alcoholism wants to get better, they usually have to get help for both problems-- and that help is often found in an alcoholism treatment center (one that is A.A.-oriented) that is good at diagnosing and treating persons with both addiction and psychiatric illness. And after initial treatment is completed, ongoing counseling --as well as A.A., of course--is usually the prescribed course of treatment.
here is that 'recovery tip of the month'-------
It is so easy to slide into believing that the alcoholic drinks "because of an emotional problem".
And the thinking is -- that if the alcoholic just "gets to the root of the problem", then the drinking/drugging problem will just "wither away" by itself.
That was the thinking of almost the entire mental-health profession about 25 years ago -- before the days of James Milam (author of "Under the Influence"), who, along with other pioneers in the field of addictions, toured the country on a regular basis, lecturing and training mental-health practitioners, judges, pastoral counselors, nurses, criminal-justice personnel, and others, to help them understand that alcoholism is a primary disease.
What does that mean? It means that nothing can get you drunk.
It means that no matter what else is going on in your life; no matter what your childhood was like; it means that no matter what your job is like, your spouse and/or kids are like; that none of those things get you drunk.
Yes, they cause stress!
Life causes stress!
And if everyone who had stress drank alcoholically, everyone would be an alcoholic.
But the stressors of life are not what makes one an alcoholic.
You "get" alcoholism because you are genetically predisposed to it.
(You have to go back about six or eight generations to see the proclivity to alcoholism in one's family; just because your parents did not have it, doesn't mean it is not in your family. And back then, no one said people were alcoholic unless they were falling down in the gutter.
And they certainly did not say that women or the clergy or any "good people" were alcoholic).
But, getting back to the mythology of "stress causing alcoholism": Yes, stress can make you want to drink.
Yes, having violent parents and being thrown out on the street at age 17 can make you want stress-relief and want to drink.
But if you don't have the brain receptors, etc., to be alcoholic or addicted, it'll be a "passing phase".
It's like what happened with the U.S. veterans after the Vietnam war was over ----- a huge percentage of them had tried heroin in Vietnam---- but only 1/3 of those who took it in Vietman, continued to take it, after they came home.
Why? Because if you don't have the physical set-up to become an alcoholic or other-drug addict, you won't.
(Look at all the spouses in Al-Anon who are not alcoholics who sat on barstools to try to drink alongside their alcoholic spouses, to be there, to have their spouses at least physically with them -- and who could not keep up the drinking, even when they tried to.)
And, if a catastrophe in life happens to a non-addict/non-alcoholic-- and if they drink, or do any other temporary thing to relieve stress-- if they are not genetically addicted------ they will probably, after awhile, not continue that drinking, but instead, get down to dealing with life on life's terms.
The difference with alcoholics is that if they start to drink at all------
even for a "legitimate stress reason"-------- then the craving and the obsession make them continue the drinking--------
because the process of the disease of alcoholism takes over.
AND ONCE THAT DISEASE PROCESS IS IN EFFECT, THAT ALCOHOLIC DOES NOT NEED ANY 'REASON' TO DRINK ------AFTER THAT DISEASE PROCESS IS IN EFFECT ---- THEN THE ALCOHOLIC DRINKS BECAUSE THE YANKEES WON // BECAUSE THE YANKEES LOST // AND BECAUSE THE YANKEES DIDN'T PLAY.
It often LOOKS like the alcoholic drinks because he lost his job-- or because he hates the weather....... or misses his mother.........or he hates his mother....... or you had too many children.......or the boss wants to tell him what to do, for goodness sake!....... or it rained too many days this year..... or he's bored because he can't find a job that is up to his standards, even though you are working two jobs to keep a roof over your heads.
(AND OF COURSE, HE TOLD YOU HE HAS ALL THESE 'REASONS' FOR HIS DRINKING....... HE HAS TOLD YOU THAT FOR SO LONG THAT OF COURSE YOU PARTIALLY OR FULLY BELIEVE IT).
But when that same alcoholic gets a job... a better-paying job -- and/or moves to where the weather is great....... the probability is that alcoholic will still continue drinking or start drinking again, and the disease will still progress and the drinking will get worse than it's ever been before.
(The disease of alcoholism is fatal and progressive).
"Stuff" happens in life........................to everyone.
"Stuff" does not cause alcoholism.
When alcoholics get sober and go to A.A. on a regular basis, they learn to replace that knee-jerk reaction of picking up a drink or a chemical for stress-relief -- and replacing it with "taking it to a meeting" and talking about it.
And by the Grace of God, it relieves it.
A way is found to deal with it.
One more thing------- when an alcoholic has, alongside the alcoholism, an additional psychiatric illness (like clinical depression), they may initially only drink to relieve the clinical depression -- and they may receive temporary relief from it because they drank. But, and this is a big "but" -- when they drink even for that reason -- it gets and keeps the disease-of-alcoholism process going. And even if that particular cycle of clinical depression "lets up" for awhile because of the temporary relief of the alcohol -- the alcoholic drinking usually continues, because the alcoholism has its own dynamic and is itself progressive, and it gets to exists alongside, in addition to, the psychiatric illness. And if the alcoholism is not treated for itself and the drinking does not stop (even if the psychiatric illness is treated with medication and therapy) then two things usually happen:
a.) intaking alcohol when the medicine is in the body usually makes the medicine less effective; and
b.) the alcoholism follows a progressive course and continues to eventually make that person's life worse on just about every level, if not all levels, of one's life. And it usually continues to make that psychiatric illness worse, too. If a person with both psychiatric illness and alcoholism wants to get better, they usually have to get help for both problems-- and that help is often found in an alcoholism treatment center (one that is A.A.-oriented) that is good at diagnosing and treating persons with both addiction and psychiatric illness. And after initial treatment is completed, ongoing counseling --as well as A.A., of course--is usually the prescribed course of treatment.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Knowing that it's hard to lose an alcoholic...........
(I copied and pasted this chapter from the "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book...from the section on this website called 'DOZENS of excerpted GTS book chapters". One can go to that section by scrolling down the green sidebar on the left side of every page on this website, and clicking it on..... then, you can click on and read, dozens of chapters from 4 of the books).
here is the chapter-------
PART ONE (of the book): "The non-addicted partners' illusions that keep them attached to alcoholic/abusive persons"
Chapter 3: "Knowing That It’s Hard to Lose an Alcoholic, Helps to Calm Us Down and Keep Us on the Recovery Path"
I said in my first book, "Getting Them Sober, Volume One", that it’s hard to lose an alcoholic.
People have written to me and asked me what I meant by that.
Basically, it means this: You can marry him; divorce him; remarry someone else; repeat the process. And the probability is that he’ll still want to be with you (whatever that means to him), in the long run.
I know of a couple who have been separated for over 40 years. He lives in the woods of New Hampshire as a resident alcoholic recluse, Each Christmas, Easter, and birthday, he sends her a card . . . and he still considers her “his wife.”
This is not unusual.
This can be useful information to have, to get through the times when you are feeling panicky about losing him.
However, you may ask, “But when will he come back, this time?”
It seems unfortunate, but the alcoholic/addict often begins to return home (wooing you all over again, albeit for a short time before starting on his “junk’’ again) when you begin to not want him around anymore.
He often appears again before you get over him entirely (and you can!). He probably doesn’t want to lose you. He has what I call “alcoholic radar.” (When they are into this behavior, they know just what to do; when to pop up.)
During those terrible panic times when you are unable to do much else than think about getting him back, it can be very comforting to have this information. And it helps to know that even if he leaves again, if you are willing to put up with it, he probably will keep coming back.
But, it is good to remember the facts: as long as he continues to drink, the alcoholic will probably continue his elusive behavior.
Remembering that can help you to become more self-protective and keep some of yourself emotionally separated from the situation.
Later, when you are calmer, you can deal with the idea of staying in a relationship with an alcoholic (or otherwise emotionally-unavailable person).
But, for now, just knowing that he will most likely be back (it you still want him) can help you through these panic-times.
* * *
Counselors sometimes ask me, “Why do you reassure her that he’ll probably come back, when it’s healthier for her to realize how sick that relationship is, and that she must let go?”
When families enter treatment, they most likely do not have to be told that an abusive (emotionally and/or physically) relationship is not good for them. They know it.
Very often, her history is that she and the alcoholic have both blamed her for the relationship problems over the years. If I chastise her for wanting him back, I am subtly adding to that blame to make her feel, again, that she is “wrong.”
If a counselor is baffled and shocked by the fact that she “still wants him back,” she does not understand addictive families.
Families’ greatest fear is that “they will lose him.”
Only if we can get beyond that obsessive fear, by telling her the reassuring facts, can we seriously get down to looking at options. For, when her panic dies down, she is often very willing to begin to look at reality. If I press her to look at this reality too soon, she will probably stop treatment, and then there is no chance to help her.
In other words, we do not lose ground by not getting right down to Divorce and Getting On With Your Life. And if I focus on what I think she should do (instead of understanding that she is nowhere near that, in reality), she inherently knows that I know nothing about her.
here is the chapter-------
PART ONE (of the book): "The non-addicted partners' illusions that keep them attached to alcoholic/abusive persons"
Chapter 3: "Knowing That It’s Hard to Lose an Alcoholic, Helps to Calm Us Down and Keep Us on the Recovery Path"
I said in my first book, "Getting Them Sober, Volume One", that it’s hard to lose an alcoholic.
People have written to me and asked me what I meant by that.
Basically, it means this: You can marry him; divorce him; remarry someone else; repeat the process. And the probability is that he’ll still want to be with you (whatever that means to him), in the long run.
I know of a couple who have been separated for over 40 years. He lives in the woods of New Hampshire as a resident alcoholic recluse, Each Christmas, Easter, and birthday, he sends her a card . . . and he still considers her “his wife.”
This is not unusual.
This can be useful information to have, to get through the times when you are feeling panicky about losing him.
However, you may ask, “But when will he come back, this time?”
It seems unfortunate, but the alcoholic/addict often begins to return home (wooing you all over again, albeit for a short time before starting on his “junk’’ again) when you begin to not want him around anymore.
He often appears again before you get over him entirely (and you can!). He probably doesn’t want to lose you. He has what I call “alcoholic radar.” (When they are into this behavior, they know just what to do; when to pop up.)
During those terrible panic times when you are unable to do much else than think about getting him back, it can be very comforting to have this information. And it helps to know that even if he leaves again, if you are willing to put up with it, he probably will keep coming back.
But, it is good to remember the facts: as long as he continues to drink, the alcoholic will probably continue his elusive behavior.
Remembering that can help you to become more self-protective and keep some of yourself emotionally separated from the situation.
Later, when you are calmer, you can deal with the idea of staying in a relationship with an alcoholic (or otherwise emotionally-unavailable person).
But, for now, just knowing that he will most likely be back (it you still want him) can help you through these panic-times.
* * *
Counselors sometimes ask me, “Why do you reassure her that he’ll probably come back, when it’s healthier for her to realize how sick that relationship is, and that she must let go?”
When families enter treatment, they most likely do not have to be told that an abusive (emotionally and/or physically) relationship is not good for them. They know it.
Very often, her history is that she and the alcoholic have both blamed her for the relationship problems over the years. If I chastise her for wanting him back, I am subtly adding to that blame to make her feel, again, that she is “wrong.”
If a counselor is baffled and shocked by the fact that she “still wants him back,” she does not understand addictive families.
Families’ greatest fear is that “they will lose him.”
Only if we can get beyond that obsessive fear, by telling her the reassuring facts, can we seriously get down to looking at options. For, when her panic dies down, she is often very willing to begin to look at reality. If I press her to look at this reality too soon, she will probably stop treatment, and then there is no chance to help her.
In other words, we do not lose ground by not getting right down to Divorce and Getting On With Your Life. And if I focus on what I think she should do (instead of understanding that she is nowhere near that, in reality), she inherently knows that I know nothing about her.
Friday, May 27, 2011
What's our process for a MUCH EASIER & QUICKER healing??
a. As I've posted for years------ it is extremely important for us to accept where we are right now.
To not shame ourselves for 'not being where we want to be'.
For shame just adds boulders in our path........totally un-necessary boulders.
Shame does not make us 'move on'-------it just makes us cringe.
b. What DOES help us to become what we want to become-----WITHOUT SHAMING OURSELVES?
What IS that process?
The process is three-fold--------
a. no self-shaming.....and no internalizing shame from others, for "not being where we think 'we should be'
b. never lying to ourselves......i.e., not minimizing about what is really the truth about the situation.
In other words-------- (and this is why I posted about try very hard to see your situation as others who have not been emotionally abused, might see it)----- if we try to REALLY see under our fears-----------and look squarely at the truth-------then we see it MORE CLEARLY.
(Hence, Al-Anon's important primer book, "Al-Anon FACES alcoholism'.......it's all about how we need to be fearless in our looking at REALITY).
And---------when we see reality more clearly----------without shaming ourselves---AND THESE TWO PROCESSES CAN BE TRICKY---BUT IT CAN BE DONE......AND THEY ARE CRITICAL FOR OUR HEALING-------
-------then the VERY KNOWLEDGE OF WHAT WE DO LOOK AT SQUARELY JUST MOVES US ALONG THE PATH OF HEALING---------- WITHOUT HARDLY ANY EFFORT ON OUR PART!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The denials that we revert to ------put boulders in our path.
The shaming that we take in ----puts boulders in our path.
THESE TWO SENTENCES ARE PROBABLY THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT IN THIS PROCESS.
WE NEED TO DO BOTH........CANNOT REPEAT THIS ENOUGH.
THE NEED TO NOT-SHAME OURSELVES
--------AND-------
THE NEED TO NOT SUBTLY MINIMIZE TO OURSELVES.
DOING JUST ONE OF THEM........ IS A SUBTLE WAY OF AVOIDING OUR HEALING
........AND WE ONLY AVOID OUR HEALING BECAUSE WE DON'T TRULY UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH OUR HEALING WILL BE QUICKER AND EASIER WHEN WE DO BOTH THE STOPPING THE SELF-SHAMING ------AND STOPPING THE SUBTLE DENIALS IN OUR HEADS.
WE ONLY AVOID THESE TWO PROCESSES WHEN WE DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH EASIER IT WILL MAKE OUR INDIVIDUAL JOURNEYS.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHICH LEADS RIGHT TO THE QUESTION ---------how do we do this looking squarely at our situations-------without feeling depressed about the TRUE reality?
It's when we KNOW and truly UNDERSTAND that we WILL be moved along the path of healing-----------BECAUSE THAT IS HOW HEALING WORKS------A COMBINATION OF TOTAL SELF-TRUTH AND NOT-SHAMING OURSELVES---------- combined with the knowledge that the universe organizes itself to then move us in ways that we could not have known before----------along healing paths---------
--------when we really really realize this----------internalize that this process is a combination-process that works--------- we can relax into the healing that surely will come.
And before we know it--------we will truly in a real, in an organic way-------ALMOST WITHOUT EFFORT--------be moved along the healing.
And when we KNOW this--------it is then SOOOOOOO much easier to live one day at a time about this, emotionally.......for we know, then, that since WE will be more healed in ways we cannot even imagine-------then we stop feeling trapped..............
.........and that depression lifts........
c. And------- what do we do when we STILL SOMETIMES GET SCARED?...When we hear 'just live in today' or 'just turn it over'---------AND WE "REVERT" ---- AND WE FEEL THAT WE ONCE AGAIN, CAN'T DO THAT???....... That OFTEN happens because we still have not yet learned---or internalized ----- about exactly what happens to the body and brain of the alcoholic...... for when we truly learn-----TRULY INTERNALIZE THE TRUTH-------- about all the in's and out's of his disease
------then he stops looking so powerful to us!......
We INTERNALIZE the truths about his disease------that what comes out his mouth is just the disease------
WE CAN HEAR THAT FROM OLDTIMERS IN AL-ANON------BUT WE OFTEN DON'T BELIEVE IT UNTIL WE REALLY LEARN ABOUT HIS BRAIN AND HOW IT IS AFFECTED TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY BY THE ALCOHOLISM.
So-------how speed up that process?...... Read about this disease....... not only read about how all the daily 'stuff' and how to handle it (that's all detailed in the "Getting Them Sober" books (and 33 of the chapters are excerpted on that section of this website) -------but also read about the physical disease and how it acts on his brain-------read "Under the Influence" by Milam (all about the body/brain of the alcoholic).....
Read and re-read and read again........until the truth about this crazy stuff is internalized.
All of this together--------all three of these processes together----will absolutely "move you along your path of healing--------YOUR INDIVIDUAL PATH-----AT YOUR PACE------IN YOUR TIME-----IN GENTLE KIND WAYS TO YOU"......... hugs, Toby
To not shame ourselves for 'not being where we want to be'.
For shame just adds boulders in our path........totally un-necessary boulders.
Shame does not make us 'move on'-------it just makes us cringe.
b. What DOES help us to become what we want to become-----WITHOUT SHAMING OURSELVES?
What IS that process?
The process is three-fold--------
a. no self-shaming.....and no internalizing shame from others, for "not being where we think 'we should be'
b. never lying to ourselves......i.e., not minimizing about what is really the truth about the situation.
In other words-------- (and this is why I posted about try very hard to see your situation as others who have not been emotionally abused, might see it)----- if we try to REALLY see under our fears-----------and look squarely at the truth-------then we see it MORE CLEARLY.
(Hence, Al-Anon's important primer book, "Al-Anon FACES alcoholism'.......it's all about how we need to be fearless in our looking at REALITY).
And---------when we see reality more clearly----------without shaming ourselves---AND THESE TWO PROCESSES CAN BE TRICKY---BUT IT CAN BE DONE......AND THEY ARE CRITICAL FOR OUR HEALING-------
-------then the VERY KNOWLEDGE OF WHAT WE DO LOOK AT SQUARELY JUST MOVES US ALONG THE PATH OF HEALING---------- WITHOUT HARDLY ANY EFFORT ON OUR PART!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The denials that we revert to ------put boulders in our path.
The shaming that we take in ----puts boulders in our path.
THESE TWO SENTENCES ARE PROBABLY THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT IN THIS PROCESS.
WE NEED TO DO BOTH........CANNOT REPEAT THIS ENOUGH.
THE NEED TO NOT-SHAME OURSELVES
--------AND-------
THE NEED TO NOT SUBTLY MINIMIZE TO OURSELVES.
DOING JUST ONE OF THEM........ IS A SUBTLE WAY OF AVOIDING OUR HEALING
........AND WE ONLY AVOID OUR HEALING BECAUSE WE DON'T TRULY UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH OUR HEALING WILL BE QUICKER AND EASIER WHEN WE DO BOTH THE STOPPING THE SELF-SHAMING ------AND STOPPING THE SUBTLE DENIALS IN OUR HEADS.
WE ONLY AVOID THESE TWO PROCESSES WHEN WE DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH EASIER IT WILL MAKE OUR INDIVIDUAL JOURNEYS.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHICH LEADS RIGHT TO THE QUESTION ---------how do we do this looking squarely at our situations-------without feeling depressed about the TRUE reality?
It's when we KNOW and truly UNDERSTAND that we WILL be moved along the path of healing-----------BECAUSE THAT IS HOW HEALING WORKS------A COMBINATION OF TOTAL SELF-TRUTH AND NOT-SHAMING OURSELVES---------- combined with the knowledge that the universe organizes itself to then move us in ways that we could not have known before----------along healing paths---------
--------when we really really realize this----------internalize that this process is a combination-process that works--------- we can relax into the healing that surely will come.
And before we know it--------we will truly in a real, in an organic way-------ALMOST WITHOUT EFFORT--------be moved along the healing.
And when we KNOW this--------it is then SOOOOOOO much easier to live one day at a time about this, emotionally.......for we know, then, that since WE will be more healed in ways we cannot even imagine-------then we stop feeling trapped..............
.........and that depression lifts........
c. And------- what do we do when we STILL SOMETIMES GET SCARED?...When we hear 'just live in today' or 'just turn it over'---------AND WE "REVERT" ---- AND WE FEEL THAT WE ONCE AGAIN, CAN'T DO THAT???....... That OFTEN happens because we still have not yet learned---or internalized ----- about exactly what happens to the body and brain of the alcoholic...... for when we truly learn-----TRULY INTERNALIZE THE TRUTH-------- about all the in's and out's of his disease
------then he stops looking so powerful to us!......
We INTERNALIZE the truths about his disease------that what comes out his mouth is just the disease------
WE CAN HEAR THAT FROM OLDTIMERS IN AL-ANON------BUT WE OFTEN DON'T BELIEVE IT UNTIL WE REALLY LEARN ABOUT HIS BRAIN AND HOW IT IS AFFECTED TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY BY THE ALCOHOLISM.
So-------how speed up that process?...... Read about this disease....... not only read about how all the daily 'stuff' and how to handle it (that's all detailed in the "Getting Them Sober" books (and 33 of the chapters are excerpted on that section of this website) -------but also read about the physical disease and how it acts on his brain-------read "Under the Influence" by Milam (all about the body/brain of the alcoholic).....
Read and re-read and read again........until the truth about this crazy stuff is internalized.
All of this together--------all three of these processes together----will absolutely "move you along your path of healing--------YOUR INDIVIDUAL PATH-----AT YOUR PACE------IN YOUR TIME-----IN GENTLE KIND WAYS TO YOU"......... hugs, Toby
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