When I was in 7th grade, we had to study James Joyce's writings.
I still remember how I felt far removed from his work-------until I read one line in a book of his-------
"THE FASCINATION OF THE ABOMINATION"
That sentence went 'into' me like a medicine ball hits the stomach.
It WAS me.
It was my life. It was the PREDICTOR of my life to come------I was 14 years old at the time........ and not yet in my first "I love alcoholics" relationship.
I just knew--with no thought ----- it was so close to my heart-------- so close to what formed me from birth.......and I did not know why I felt so much about that sentence when I first heard it......and I didn't even know enough to ask myself why it felt so 'close' to what was 'me'.
Why you may ask!
a.) Having an alcoholic father and a terribly violent mother, my formative years (until age 6) were spent unconsciously 'taking in' their behavior.... and learning, as we do in the formative years--------that "this is the way the world is----- and the way the world should be".
It was a total set-up that I should wind up "fascinated by the abomination" ......... drawn to relationships with abusive persons.
This is not "my idea" of how it happened........ this is the meat-and-potatoes of therapy...... how we are formed by childhood.
That's why I often refer people I am counseling, when they want to believe (understandably) that their children have escaped the effects of having lived with a parent's alcoholism------ to at least read what experts in the field have written ------and then make up their own minds about whether counseling will help their children.
So often, we think, "Well, my oldest child has NOT been been affected! She is an honor student and such a lovely helpful child." ........
Most women who marry alcoholics are lovely and helpful.
That's why they pick us.
b.) But why did it feel "so close to me" when I first------at age 14 ----- read "the fascination of the abomination"?....... Why at that age------when I had no insight into what formed me?
Because of my childhood......because it was "so different" in the amount and kind of abuse that anyone I knew went through (my mother's violence was extreme with all her children and I lived in a small town with almost no visibly-drunk parents in the street, except my father)
....... because of that, and because there were other factors that were so much to the "other side" of the awfulness (my mother's incredible support of my gifts....... punctuated by her violence......a back-and-forth constant in the home) ........ because of the 'different-ness" of it all----- I was drawn to 'different' people. Persons "outside the pale".
Now, that is a double-edged sword. It drew to me quite a few wonderful interesting friends......... and it drew to me, that actually quite-common-mix of bright, creative, and unable-to-be-real-partners alcoholics.
All of this, of course, was not conscious.
Which leads me to remembering a video ------ years ago, when I was director of codependency treatment at an alcoholism treatment center, I showed videos and lectured on Sundays to the families that came to visit. One of the dozens of videos in their library was by a therapist who spoke of his childhood. His father was a thief (he and his brothers learned this only after they were adults).
But his parents always SAID to them, among other things, "don't steal what is not yours".
All the brothers wound up being thieves..
None of them, as I said, knew that the father was a thief until they were adults.
But-------they observed the father's behavior when they were in their formative years.......... and they learned that it was "the way the world should be".
c.) Now, there will be persons reading this who will become hotly angry and say to selves, "how dare she imply that MY home taught me to marry this alcoholic!" MY parents were wonderful!
That, I am sure, is so. But almost always -------not always but almost always------- somehow, we 'hear' what we hear in those formative years........ from a person or persons who has a real impact on us....... and we "take it in".
That's why I also recommend (as I posted about a couple of days ago) to people whose parents had no alcoholism-------- but who have an inkling that their grandparent was alcoholic------to read "Grandchildren of alcoholics" by Anne Smith.
(Often, when a parent is a "militant teetotaller"----- he or she is an adult child of an alcoholic.......notice I said, "militant"....... not just "I don't feel like drinking" and no big deal about it........but like Carrie Nation.")
If it 'hits home' (what I wrote here)....... it might be time to look into getting counseling for your children.... and maybe especially for the "really good kids" ........ often, they are 'sitting ducks' to marry alcoholics or other troubled persons.
And if it does not 'hit home'.......then by all means, 'take what you like and leave the rest'. But in many cases, it might be a good idea to try to look into this further, for yourself and for your children. But, if not, and if you are meant to go the path of getting help for your children, then I would just 'put it on the shelf'.
I find that when I am meant to go a certain path------and if the door opens just a wee bit------- and lets in the light------ and if I cannot for any reason, allow myself to see it just now------ then many times, the universe sends my way, other 'signals' that lead me to read about or hear about what others have to say, that helps me with this very issue......despite myself......and thank goodness that I am often led, despite myself!............ hugs, Toby
No comments:
Post a Comment