a. we have alcoholics------ but some are womanizers----some are not-----some make a lot of money------some make their families wonder where the next dinner is going to come from
b. some of us have basically sweet guys--------some of us have alcoholics who have quite serious other psychiatric problems
c. some of us will be quite happy if we have our guys back, even if they never work more than 10 hours per week....... and that could make some of us flinch with wondering 'why she puts up with it' ...... but that WILL make some of us happy...... and no one has the right to play God and even IMPLY that it is "not enough" for YOUR relationship
d. some of us just can't stand waiting one more minute to see how it will work out ......... some of us would be willing to wait two more years, if it could, indeed, work out
e. It is so wonderful how people do share THEIR experience, strength, and hope here---------- but, as the Guidelines for this bulletin board say (see the box above)--------- please do not even imply that a particular path might be better for another person..........even if it did work for you.
Stick to the "i" statements-------- "I did this"-------not "this is or might be, better for you".
WHY? Because the way that we family members "are made" inside, we take it all very seriously.
And we ARE ALL going to do what WE want to do--------no matter what we agree with--------no matter what YOU say --------or imply.
And the problem then gets to be------- if what we choose to do, does not work out-------- we will feel very guilty and ASHAMED that we didn't follow YOUR implied advice.
And THAT is the BIGGEST stop-per to us getting on with our family recovery. (Shame and guilt are the biggest boulders on the family-recovery path).
That shame makes us------ if not stop treatment for ourselves-------- it makes most of us hesitate to any time again, DISCLOSE WHAT IS REALLY REALLY GOING ON.
WE PROBABLY WON'T STOP TELLING A LOT OF 'WHAT IS GOING ON'-----BUT WE'LL LIMIT IT TO WHAT WE THINK YOU CAN HEAR WITHOUT THINKING LESS OF US.
And the ironic thing is--------when we leave out important facts-------then the 'feedback' we get on a board on the internet-------is USELESS.
For people are replying to our posts BASED ON WHAT WE SAY.
And MOST OF THE TIME------- when we leave out CERTAIN details-------- they are the MOST important things about what is REALLY going on.
Why do we leave out those details if we have been shamed before?
Because if we do disclose thoroughly again---------we feel that we will probably encounter yet another well-meaning person who lets us know that her suggestion is best for us....and we will know, deep inside, that we CANNOT follow her suggestion------and we will, again, feel ashamed of it.
......and then we'll go through, once again, that merry-go-round of shame, withdrawal from disclosure, etc.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS ON INTERNET BOARDS WHERE PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED---AND ENCOURAGED-----TO TELL OTHERS WHAT TO DO.
f. SO------what DOES work?
1. All of us need to share ONLY our experience. Not even imply that something might be best for 'you'......even if it worked for you.
2. And if a certain path has been implied to you ------- remember that the person is "coming from" THEIR situation-----THEIR experience------THEIR alcoholic partner with THEM--------NOT YOUR SITUATION.
3. Why does it work when we do NOT tell others what to do?
Even when I am counseling a person --- I don't tell them what to do. Why?
First, the reason I just wrote....... that people will do what THEY want to do, no matter what 'you' say.
Second, people learn best------ internalize the learning to where it STICKS WITH THEM ------- when THEY choose their own paths!
How does that work? For instance----how do people choose more wisely, when they see a counselor?
In counseling, a client gets feedback about the REALITY of the situation. (NOT 'telling you what to do with the feedback'-----you just get valuable feedback where you learn what are YOUR particular hidden realities----hidden from you by your own unconscious).
One gets information about 'what is really going on behind the scenes', in the situation, and what might very well be going on, in your patterns that have been formed since your childhood.......that are very probably impacting on the present situation.
Patterns that---------
a. make you not-see certain realities
b. keep you perceiving situations in distorted ways
c. stop you from perceiving what you are capable of
d. stop you from believing that you deserve the good in life
4. The "odd" truth-----the paradoxical irony-------is that when we are given TOTAL wiggle-room WITHOUT A WORD OF DIRECT OR IMPLIED SUGGESTION OF WHAT WE 'SHOULD DO'-------- we get to where we are most comfortable with our decisions------SOONER!!
5. So, on this bulletin board------- the 'rule' is, we all RESPECT the right of everyone to wiggle their way through their own paths-------- until we ALL organically reach where they find it most comfortable for US.
For, no one will have to live with the consequences, if any of us follows what someone else feels is best for us-------except us.
b. some of us have basically sweet guys--------some of us have alcoholics who have quite serious other psychiatric problems
c. some of us will be quite happy if we have our guys back, even if they never work more than 10 hours per week....... and that could make some of us flinch with wondering 'why she puts up with it' ...... but that WILL make some of us happy...... and no one has the right to play God and even IMPLY that it is "not enough" for YOUR relationship
d. some of us just can't stand waiting one more minute to see how it will work out ......... some of us would be willing to wait two more years, if it could, indeed, work out
e. It is so wonderful how people do share THEIR experience, strength, and hope here---------- but, as the Guidelines for this bulletin board say (see the box above)--------- please do not even imply that a particular path might be better for another person..........even if it did work for you.
Stick to the "i" statements-------- "I did this"-------not "this is or might be, better for you".
WHY? Because the way that we family members "are made" inside, we take it all very seriously.
And we ARE ALL going to do what WE want to do--------no matter what we agree with--------no matter what YOU say --------or imply.
And the problem then gets to be------- if what we choose to do, does not work out-------- we will feel very guilty and ASHAMED that we didn't follow YOUR implied advice.
And THAT is the BIGGEST stop-per to us getting on with our family recovery. (Shame and guilt are the biggest boulders on the family-recovery path).
That shame makes us------ if not stop treatment for ourselves-------- it makes most of us hesitate to any time again, DISCLOSE WHAT IS REALLY REALLY GOING ON.
WE PROBABLY WON'T STOP TELLING A LOT OF 'WHAT IS GOING ON'-----BUT WE'LL LIMIT IT TO WHAT WE THINK YOU CAN HEAR WITHOUT THINKING LESS OF US.
And the ironic thing is--------when we leave out important facts-------then the 'feedback' we get on a board on the internet-------is USELESS.
For people are replying to our posts BASED ON WHAT WE SAY.
And MOST OF THE TIME------- when we leave out CERTAIN details-------- they are the MOST important things about what is REALLY going on.
Why do we leave out those details if we have been shamed before?
Because if we do disclose thoroughly again---------we feel that we will probably encounter yet another well-meaning person who lets us know that her suggestion is best for us....and we will know, deep inside, that we CANNOT follow her suggestion------and we will, again, feel ashamed of it.
......and then we'll go through, once again, that merry-go-round of shame, withdrawal from disclosure, etc.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS ON INTERNET BOARDS WHERE PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED---AND ENCOURAGED-----TO TELL OTHERS WHAT TO DO.
f. SO------what DOES work?
1. All of us need to share ONLY our experience. Not even imply that something might be best for 'you'......even if it worked for you.
2. And if a certain path has been implied to you ------- remember that the person is "coming from" THEIR situation-----THEIR experience------THEIR alcoholic partner with THEM--------NOT YOUR SITUATION.
3. Why does it work when we do NOT tell others what to do?
Even when I am counseling a person --- I don't tell them what to do. Why?
First, the reason I just wrote....... that people will do what THEY want to do, no matter what 'you' say.
Second, people learn best------ internalize the learning to where it STICKS WITH THEM ------- when THEY choose their own paths!
How does that work? For instance----how do people choose more wisely, when they see a counselor?
In counseling, a client gets feedback about the REALITY of the situation. (NOT 'telling you what to do with the feedback'-----you just get valuable feedback where you learn what are YOUR particular hidden realities----hidden from you by your own unconscious).
One gets information about 'what is really going on behind the scenes', in the situation, and what might very well be going on, in your patterns that have been formed since your childhood.......that are very probably impacting on the present situation.
Patterns that---------
a. make you not-see certain realities
b. keep you perceiving situations in distorted ways
c. stop you from perceiving what you are capable of
d. stop you from believing that you deserve the good in life
4. The "odd" truth-----the paradoxical irony-------is that when we are given TOTAL wiggle-room WITHOUT A WORD OF DIRECT OR IMPLIED SUGGESTION OF WHAT WE 'SHOULD DO'-------- we get to where we are most comfortable with our decisions------SOONER!!
5. So, on this bulletin board------- the 'rule' is, we all RESPECT the right of everyone to wiggle their way through their own paths-------- until we ALL organically reach where they find it most comfortable for US.
For, no one will have to live with the consequences, if any of us follows what someone else feels is best for us-------except us.
From Toby Drews, the author of the million-selling "Getting Them Sober'' books, endorsed by 'dear Abby', Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, and Melody Beattie:
phone 410-243-8352
email tdrews3879@aol.com
www.GettingThemSober.com
phone 410-243-8352
email tdrews3879@aol.com
www.GettingThemSober.com
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