a. If one is alcoholic, the disease of alcoholism progresses with any amount one drinks......... or no matter how often one drinks.
As they say "it's not how much you drink------or how often----it's WHETHER you drink at all".
b. alcoholics can be very clever at trying not to 'look like' they are alcoholic......many do not gulp their drinks if they think others are watching.......many drink a lot before they go out, so they can sip their drinks and make others think they hardly ever drink.
Of course, as the disease progresses, this hiding gets harder and harder to carry out.
c. So----how know if there is alcoholism?
1. read the 20 questions in the back of the "Getting Them Sober, volume one" book.......they are the 'industry standard' of evaluation.
2. when I directed a treatment center many years ago-----I was taught by a very smart person (who owned the center) how to find out if an alcoholic was really one (we evaluated court-sent persons to us).
We looked for two things--------one, did his family complain about his drinking? Almost NO ONE has this problem----unless he is alcoholic.
Two-----we asked if the person ever 'switched' to other drinks (the underlying purpose was to control his drinking). No one but alcoholics try to control their drinking---------- for, if one is not alcoholic-----one does not even drink enough to HAVE TO control it!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Unable to remember they hurt us? They still need make amends
There is no need to even think for a moment that if they don't remember (because of blackouts or brain damage) what they did to harm the family during the drinking days------that it's an excuse not to make amends.
MANY alcoholics who are truly sober and working the Steps in A.A. do not remember what happened--------and when they want to make amends----they ASK the family members to tell them what they did and how it affected them...and how they can begin to make amends to them.
Don't know which one, but in one of the Recovery Tips of the Month (a section on this website), I wrote about how many sober alcoholics begin to heal their relationships with their adult children---------by encouraging their adult children to talk about what they remember and how it affected them. And these truly-sober alcoholics then LISTEN and LISTEN and LISTEN to their children for months--- and months --------and months------without saying in so many words, "get off my back".
They VALIDATE their children.
And they are truly sorry for what they did.......and they spend literally years trying to make the proper amends to their spouses and their kids.
I do not post this because it is an un-common occurence.
I post this because it is a VERY COMMON occurrence with the majority of people in A.A.
One can liken it to what we used to call, in the U.S., years ago, the "silent majority"----------i.e, the regular folks who just do what they are supposed to do------go about their business-----and don't make a fuss about it.
It's the ones who make the headlines that are real b**ta**s------ that are focused on in the news.
But the 'silent majority' are nice people.
It's the same in A.A.
And-------of course, when we are in relationships with the "not-silent minority' of those in A.A. who are NOT making amends-------who don't give a darn about how we felt for decades------- THEY are making "the headlines" on the internet.
We usually find we don't have to post about the nice ones...they're not making our lives a living hell...and therefore we don't need to post to get some support to just get through a day with them. ---love, Toby
MANY alcoholics who are truly sober and working the Steps in A.A. do not remember what happened--------and when they want to make amends----they ASK the family members to tell them what they did and how it affected them...and how they can begin to make amends to them.
Don't know which one, but in one of the Recovery Tips of the Month (a section on this website), I wrote about how many sober alcoholics begin to heal their relationships with their adult children---------by encouraging their adult children to talk about what they remember and how it affected them. And these truly-sober alcoholics then LISTEN and LISTEN and LISTEN to their children for months--- and months --------and months------without saying in so many words, "get off my back".
They VALIDATE their children.
And they are truly sorry for what they did.......and they spend literally years trying to make the proper amends to their spouses and their kids.
I do not post this because it is an un-common occurence.
I post this because it is a VERY COMMON occurrence with the majority of people in A.A.
One can liken it to what we used to call, in the U.S., years ago, the "silent majority"----------i.e, the regular folks who just do what they are supposed to do------go about their business-----and don't make a fuss about it.
It's the ones who make the headlines that are real b**ta**s------ that are focused on in the news.
But the 'silent majority' are nice people.
It's the same in A.A.
And-------of course, when we are in relationships with the "not-silent minority' of those in A.A. who are NOT making amends-------who don't give a darn about how we felt for decades------- THEY are making "the headlines" on the internet.
We usually find we don't have to post about the nice ones...they're not making our lives a living hell...and therefore we don't need to post to get some support to just get through a day with them. ---love, Toby
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
When he says "You're trying to control me!"
"You're always trying to get the perfect husband! Well, I"m not here on earth to try to live up to your idea of what I should be!" -------says the still-drinking alcoholic.
IS wanting him to be sober -- a "perfectionistic" requirement for marriage?
Do you have the RIGHT to demand recovery before you want to return to that marriage?
Let's look at this.
Think back to when you were younger, thinking about future marriage.
What were your dreams about the 'perfect' husband or wife?
Did your list of attributes include "sobriety"?
Did you even consider that a GREAT husband or wife, meant "not passed out"?!
Of course not.
It is not "perfectionist" to want your spouse to be not-un-conscious.
It IS part of the disease of alcoholism coming out of his mouth, for the alcoholic to call you "a perfectionist" when you expect BOTTOM-LINE things ------ like consciousness and breathing -- from your marriage."
----- love to all the families, Toby
IS wanting him to be sober -- a "perfectionistic" requirement for marriage?
Do you have the RIGHT to demand recovery before you want to return to that marriage?
Let's look at this.
Think back to when you were younger, thinking about future marriage.
What were your dreams about the 'perfect' husband or wife?
Did your list of attributes include "sobriety"?
Did you even consider that a GREAT husband or wife, meant "not passed out"?!
Of course not.
It is not "perfectionist" to want your spouse to be not-un-conscious.
It IS part of the disease of alcoholism coming out of his mouth, for the alcoholic to call you "a perfectionist" when you expect BOTTOM-LINE things ------ like consciousness and breathing -- from your marriage."
----- love to all the families, Toby
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
MORE on --when we've been told "we're enablers"
It is normal for us, when we've been told by some therapists // the media --- that we're "enablers"..... that we internalize it.
Problem is, it is a very shaming term, for most of us.
And it is totally un-necessary for that term to be used 'on us'......
In the "Getting Your Children Sober" book (and in the "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book, too) I talk about this very important issue--- for, the implicit shaming in that terminology sends so many of us family members fleeing from counseling -- and gun-shy about seeking any more help again....which results in tens of thousands of family members going down the drain with the alcoholic because they've been so shamed and are afraid to seek any kind of help again, including going to Al-Anon.
(When I'm training counselors, they often tell me that the family members do not return to counseling, once they have a session "about their being enablers").
Here is a small excerpt from the "Getting Your Children Sober" book about this issue..........Please don't let the term 'children' be off-putting -----it applies to adults, too.
(This excerpt is from the chapter about the ways that mental-health counseling has failed to help families of alcoholics).
"Myth #6: When parents are told they are “enablers,” it leads them to stop the enabling.
“Enabling” is meant to describe the rescue operations that the spouse or parent of an alcoholic carries out, when she can’t stand watching the alcoholic suffer the consequences of the disease. When that happens, she “cleans up” the alcoholic’s messes (lies to the school that the son has the flu when the child was actually picked up for drunk driving).
That way, the alcoholic doesn’t suffer the real consequences of his behavior.
A parent must learn, eventually, to get some detachment on watching these crises happen in order to stop cleaning up after the child.
The idea is to allow the disease to hurt the child so much that he or she wants to get sober.
Of course, it takes a parent a lot of time in a healing group such as Al-Anon in order to be able to do this.
And this detachment can’t be forced or rushed by counselors. It is a slow process, and very frightening to the parent.
When a mother rescues her alcoholic child and I label her an enabler, she obviously is still doing the rescuing behaviors and is not yet unafraid enough to give them up.
She knows I am being judgmental when I use this term.
Even when I say it lovingly, I seem to be admonishing her to go faster than she is capable of doing at that time.
And she feels despairing, because she is doing her best.
She may get so discouraged and frustrated and overwhelmed that she stops treatment.
More specifically, the term 'enabler' implies that while the parents did not cause the drinking, their rescue operations contributed to the perpetuation of the drinking.
Such thinking is dangerous; it leads alcoholics, who are already looking for a way to blame others for the drinking, into again placing responsibility for the drinking on the family.
Alcoholics do not need any encouragement to blame others!
Alcoholism counselors spend most of their time trying to crack through the blame-systems of alcoholics.
It is considered to be a major breakthrough in the wellness process of alcoholics when they begin to acknowledge that nothing “got them drunk.”
In contrast, alcoholics who have had relapses and are re-entering treatment are now often heard saying, “I wouldn’t have gone out that time if I hadn’t been enabled!”
The alternative to being labeled 'enablers' is to teach you to end the rescue operations through the simple but effective process of detachment.
For, detachment will help end your fears – and it is your fears that originally caused you to rescue.
And even though, in this book, we are primarily talking about parents and kids, the detachment process is especially important if you also are married to an alcoholic.
It is important for you to lose your fears of that adult alcoholic so you can get on with your life and become more able to deal with your children-alcoholics.
How does detachment work? How does it help you to lose your fears of your alcoholic child or spouse?
The general process goes something like this:
1) When you begin to learn ways to stop watching the alcoholic in order to begin the healing process of seeing to your own needs, the alcoholic has radar and senses this switch in focus.
2) Much of the “games” stop then, because the alcoholic knows that less attention will be paid to him or her.
3) By continuing to focus on yourself instead of the alcoholic, you get an even greater distance (i.e., detachment) from the threats, and begin to lose your fears of them.
4) Again, the alcoholic senses this. He or she begins to threaten even less.
5) You see that detachment works! You gain more confidence. Many of the illusions in your household are beginning to end.
6) You lose much of your preoccupation with the alcoholic. Your preoccupation was based on your needing to stop him or her from hurting you. You now see they are much less capable of hurting you than you thought. They’ve already done most of the damage they can do. But the game has been to keep up more of the same junk, to keep up the illusion that the alcoholic is powerful. This no longer works. You have learned not to look at him or her; to walk out of the room; out of the house – to not beg.
7) The alcoholic now stands alone with his or her disease. ("The cheese stands alone").
They’ve lost their audience, and therefore drop much of the bullying. You are not watching it.
The alcoholic can no longer get you to believe you are responsible for his or her drinking and for the craziness in that house.
9) The alcoholic has a chance to grow up and make a decision to get help.
10) You are free.
When I teach family members the dynamic of what I have just described, they begin to naturally let go of the disease – to detach, and therefore stop 'enabling' – because they are losing their fears of the alcoholics.
ALL OF US STOP MANIPULATING AND CONTROLLING OTHERS WHEN WE LOSE OUR FEARS OF WHAT THEY WILL DO.
* * *
ALSO------- try using the word "rescuer" instead of "enabler" when you speak of yourself and your history of rescuing the alcoholic.
It "means the same"-------but the CONNOTATION is kinder. When we 'are called' rescuers-------it implies that we meant well ------not so with the word 'enabler'.
No matter what the term, we can stop the behavior, if we are gently led on how to do so. IMPORTANT------- of course, only follow any suggestions on the internet if it is physically safe for you and your children to do so-------AND of course, be discerning.......if the alcoholic's life is in danger -----OF COURSE we rescue him!
And-------- we also are discerning along common-sense lines. In other words, if it is 'rescuing' to pay the utilities, we often of course pay them or WE suffer the consequences.. But we think of areas in which we can back off and not pick up the pieces and rescue him--------if the consequences do not hurt the family.
Problem is, it is a very shaming term, for most of us.
And it is totally un-necessary for that term to be used 'on us'......
In the "Getting Your Children Sober" book (and in the "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book, too) I talk about this very important issue--- for, the implicit shaming in that terminology sends so many of us family members fleeing from counseling -- and gun-shy about seeking any more help again....which results in tens of thousands of family members going down the drain with the alcoholic because they've been so shamed and are afraid to seek any kind of help again, including going to Al-Anon.
(When I'm training counselors, they often tell me that the family members do not return to counseling, once they have a session "about their being enablers").
Here is a small excerpt from the "Getting Your Children Sober" book about this issue..........Please don't let the term 'children' be off-putting -----it applies to adults, too.
(This excerpt is from the chapter about the ways that mental-health counseling has failed to help families of alcoholics).
"Myth #6: When parents are told they are “enablers,” it leads them to stop the enabling.
“Enabling” is meant to describe the rescue operations that the spouse or parent of an alcoholic carries out, when she can’t stand watching the alcoholic suffer the consequences of the disease. When that happens, she “cleans up” the alcoholic’s messes (lies to the school that the son has the flu when the child was actually picked up for drunk driving).
That way, the alcoholic doesn’t suffer the real consequences of his behavior.
A parent must learn, eventually, to get some detachment on watching these crises happen in order to stop cleaning up after the child.
The idea is to allow the disease to hurt the child so much that he or she wants to get sober.
Of course, it takes a parent a lot of time in a healing group such as Al-Anon in order to be able to do this.
And this detachment can’t be forced or rushed by counselors. It is a slow process, and very frightening to the parent.
When a mother rescues her alcoholic child and I label her an enabler, she obviously is still doing the rescuing behaviors and is not yet unafraid enough to give them up.
She knows I am being judgmental when I use this term.
Even when I say it lovingly, I seem to be admonishing her to go faster than she is capable of doing at that time.
And she feels despairing, because she is doing her best.
She may get so discouraged and frustrated and overwhelmed that she stops treatment.
More specifically, the term 'enabler' implies that while the parents did not cause the drinking, their rescue operations contributed to the perpetuation of the drinking.
Such thinking is dangerous; it leads alcoholics, who are already looking for a way to blame others for the drinking, into again placing responsibility for the drinking on the family.
Alcoholics do not need any encouragement to blame others!
Alcoholism counselors spend most of their time trying to crack through the blame-systems of alcoholics.
It is considered to be a major breakthrough in the wellness process of alcoholics when they begin to acknowledge that nothing “got them drunk.”
In contrast, alcoholics who have had relapses and are re-entering treatment are now often heard saying, “I wouldn’t have gone out that time if I hadn’t been enabled!”
The alternative to being labeled 'enablers' is to teach you to end the rescue operations through the simple but effective process of detachment.
For, detachment will help end your fears – and it is your fears that originally caused you to rescue.
And even though, in this book, we are primarily talking about parents and kids, the detachment process is especially important if you also are married to an alcoholic.
It is important for you to lose your fears of that adult alcoholic so you can get on with your life and become more able to deal with your children-alcoholics.
How does detachment work? How does it help you to lose your fears of your alcoholic child or spouse?
The general process goes something like this:
1) When you begin to learn ways to stop watching the alcoholic in order to begin the healing process of seeing to your own needs, the alcoholic has radar and senses this switch in focus.
2) Much of the “games” stop then, because the alcoholic knows that less attention will be paid to him or her.
3) By continuing to focus on yourself instead of the alcoholic, you get an even greater distance (i.e., detachment) from the threats, and begin to lose your fears of them.
4) Again, the alcoholic senses this. He or she begins to threaten even less.
5) You see that detachment works! You gain more confidence. Many of the illusions in your household are beginning to end.
6) You lose much of your preoccupation with the alcoholic. Your preoccupation was based on your needing to stop him or her from hurting you. You now see they are much less capable of hurting you than you thought. They’ve already done most of the damage they can do. But the game has been to keep up more of the same junk, to keep up the illusion that the alcoholic is powerful. This no longer works. You have learned not to look at him or her; to walk out of the room; out of the house – to not beg.
7) The alcoholic now stands alone with his or her disease. ("The cheese stands alone").
They’ve lost their audience, and therefore drop much of the bullying. You are not watching it.
The alcoholic can no longer get you to believe you are responsible for his or her drinking and for the craziness in that house. 9) The alcoholic has a chance to grow up and make a decision to get help.
10) You are free.
When I teach family members the dynamic of what I have just described, they begin to naturally let go of the disease – to detach, and therefore stop 'enabling' – because they are losing their fears of the alcoholics.
ALL OF US STOP MANIPULATING AND CONTROLLING OTHERS WHEN WE LOSE OUR FEARS OF WHAT THEY WILL DO.
* * *
ALSO------- try using the word "rescuer" instead of "enabler" when you speak of yourself and your history of rescuing the alcoholic.
It "means the same"-------but the CONNOTATION is kinder. When we 'are called' rescuers-------it implies that we meant well ------not so with the word 'enabler'.
No matter what the term, we can stop the behavior, if we are gently led on how to do so. IMPORTANT------- of course, only follow any suggestions on the internet if it is physically safe for you and your children to do so-------AND of course, be discerning.......if the alcoholic's life is in danger -----OF COURSE we rescue him!
And-------- we also are discerning along common-sense lines. In other words, if it is 'rescuing' to pay the utilities, we often of course pay them or WE suffer the consequences.. But we think of areas in which we can back off and not pick up the pieces and rescue him--------if the consequences do not hurt the family.
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