If we have a history of having been physically and/or emotionally abused, especially in childhood------ we are often 'sitting ducks' for abusers.
And those abusers can come in 'disguises'.
If we're 'used to' alcoholic abusers--------we can often, when dating again, think 'oh he must be great' because he's not alcoholic.
But if we've been very abused in the past------- especially by multiple or serial abusers------ we can fall prey to charming abusers with personality or character disorders.
Especially those who 'come off' with the 'right words'.
I've had countless counseling clients whose 'next guy' was actually "in the program" of Al-Anon or ACOA (adult children of alcoholics)------- someone who 'came off' so charming and "knew how to be intimate'-------- but who, just like the alcoholic, had that 'fatal flaw'.
What are some of these 'fatal flaws' (i.e., the things that destroy the relationship-------not the 'little things').
a. 'gaslighting' is a biggie ----- that term was coined by the 1940's (or 1930's) movie with Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman. It was called "Gaslight" --- it was about a charming, good-looking husband who kept emotionally 'pulling the rug out from under' his wife..and denying he was doing it......making her feel really crazy......then alternating with such sweetness.....that she wound up feeling totally nuts.
Good movie to rent.
b. a "fair weather friend" ...... this is an old term that refers to the 'partner' who is 'there for you" (and always tells you he is there for you!) ....... but, when the junk hits the fan-------he pulls back and is NOT there for you.
Why do we fall for this? We are SO used to "listening to their words and not what they DO".
c. sexual-making-you-crazy ...... this is the guy who 'comes on' to others ....... and is constantly 'predatorily' looking at others.......but who does not actually have sex with others. He often is the kind who strokes all the women's backs when he speaks with them..... or he hugs them all "a bit too long".
He tells you that you "are over-reactive". More crazymaking.
d. The one who does 'xxx' behavior that is soooo nasty......over and over and over...... and says that you are "just over-reacting because of your history".
Funny, isn't it? When you date a guy who does NOT do these things----- you don't seem to 'see' the junk that he said you are "always seeing".
You DON'T see those behaviors WHEN YOU ARE WITH A GUY WHO DOESN'T DO THEM!
e. We tend to 'stick with' these non-alcoholic abusers longer, when we are still confused about whether we are being abused.
Or we stick with them because we think that "we're too picky". (After all, we've been told that).
Or we stick with them because, underneath, we can't really believe that someone who is not an alcoholic--------and who goes to Al-Anon, for goodness sake------ is awful!
It's like meeting someone in church--------who thinks that someone you meet in church and who's a deacon......can be awful?
f. When we have been so abused, our radar is not, to say the least, honed well.
And we tend to not trust ourselves as much as we think we are doing.
If we've been in Al-Anon, after years of meetings, we often tend to WANT to overlook the abuse we see when it is more subtle.......because we are ashamed that we might have picked "yet another" abuser. We take that shame that HE should be feeling about BEING an abuser-------and take it on ourselves that we 'picked' him.
That's "toxic shame" .....undeserved shame that we take on and don't even know we are doing it.
It's like an abused animal......... we cringe.......we flinch....... But with us, when we do flinch and cringe, we get ashamed that we are doing that.
Our GUTS know when we are being abused again.
We can get ashamed of our gut feelings.
We think, "oh there I go again..... thinking that this guy, too, is awful."
g. How to not pick them?
1. not deny when we see the red flags that do show themselves at the beginning of the relationship..... and if we don't see them, get counseling help to go over the 'little things' ---- get feedback about being real about the things that we tend to overlook........ not MINIMIZING them.
What if one says, "he didn't show any red flags".
That's what people say when they don't see them......... it does not mean that there were none.
Therapists will help one see the red flags....... they are cues that do display themselves.
Does not mean that we don't decide to go ahead with the relationship.
Many times, we decide to go ahead-----even when we do see red flags.
But just as often, we don't really understand the implications of those red flags..... that they can present themselves later, with tremendous hurt to us.
We think that we can handle it.......we think it is a 'trade-off'.
AND SOMETIMES IT IS.
Sometimes even looking back........ it was a good idea, at the time, to get into that relationship because the good outweighed the bad. Of course, we all think that, at the beginning of a relationship. But sometimes, for MANY reasons------ even if we see the junk-------- it IS a good idea to get into that relationship.
NO ONE ------- NO ONE -------- has the right to lay down rules FOR YOU that "this one was a good idea" and "this one over here was a bad idea" (to get into a relationship with).
It's just a good idea to very realistically, without denial and without minimizing, look at one's own patterns and decide what we want to put up with and what we don't........so that we don't repeat the hurts that WE think are just not worth it........ NOT whether or not SOMEONE ELSE thinks that a particular behavior is "not worth it".
And those abusers can come in 'disguises'.
If we're 'used to' alcoholic abusers--------we can often, when dating again, think 'oh he must be great' because he's not alcoholic.
But if we've been very abused in the past------- especially by multiple or serial abusers------ we can fall prey to charming abusers with personality or character disorders.
Especially those who 'come off' with the 'right words'.
I've had countless counseling clients whose 'next guy' was actually "in the program" of Al-Anon or ACOA (adult children of alcoholics)------- someone who 'came off' so charming and "knew how to be intimate'-------- but who, just like the alcoholic, had that 'fatal flaw'.
What are some of these 'fatal flaws' (i.e., the things that destroy the relationship-------not the 'little things').
a. 'gaslighting' is a biggie ----- that term was coined by the 1940's (or 1930's) movie with Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman. It was called "Gaslight" --- it was about a charming, good-looking husband who kept emotionally 'pulling the rug out from under' his wife..and denying he was doing it......making her feel really crazy......then alternating with such sweetness.....that she wound up feeling totally nuts.
Good movie to rent.
b. a "fair weather friend" ...... this is an old term that refers to the 'partner' who is 'there for you" (and always tells you he is there for you!) ....... but, when the junk hits the fan-------he pulls back and is NOT there for you.
Why do we fall for this? We are SO used to "listening to their words and not what they DO".
c. sexual-making-you-crazy ...... this is the guy who 'comes on' to others ....... and is constantly 'predatorily' looking at others.......but who does not actually have sex with others. He often is the kind who strokes all the women's backs when he speaks with them..... or he hugs them all "a bit too long".
He tells you that you "are over-reactive". More crazymaking.
d. The one who does 'xxx' behavior that is soooo nasty......over and over and over...... and says that you are "just over-reacting because of your history".
Funny, isn't it? When you date a guy who does NOT do these things----- you don't seem to 'see' the junk that he said you are "always seeing".
You DON'T see those behaviors WHEN YOU ARE WITH A GUY WHO DOESN'T DO THEM!
e. We tend to 'stick with' these non-alcoholic abusers longer, when we are still confused about whether we are being abused.
Or we stick with them because we think that "we're too picky". (After all, we've been told that).
Or we stick with them because, underneath, we can't really believe that someone who is not an alcoholic--------and who goes to Al-Anon, for goodness sake------ is awful!
It's like meeting someone in church--------who thinks that someone you meet in church and who's a deacon......can be awful?
f. When we have been so abused, our radar is not, to say the least, honed well.
And we tend to not trust ourselves as much as we think we are doing.
If we've been in Al-Anon, after years of meetings, we often tend to WANT to overlook the abuse we see when it is more subtle.......because we are ashamed that we might have picked "yet another" abuser. We take that shame that HE should be feeling about BEING an abuser-------and take it on ourselves that we 'picked' him.
That's "toxic shame" .....undeserved shame that we take on and don't even know we are doing it.
It's like an abused animal......... we cringe.......we flinch....... But with us, when we do flinch and cringe, we get ashamed that we are doing that.
Our GUTS know when we are being abused again.
We can get ashamed of our gut feelings.
We think, "oh there I go again..... thinking that this guy, too, is awful."
g. How to not pick them?
1. not deny when we see the red flags that do show themselves at the beginning of the relationship..... and if we don't see them, get counseling help to go over the 'little things' ---- get feedback about being real about the things that we tend to overlook........ not MINIMIZING them.
What if one says, "he didn't show any red flags".
That's what people say when they don't see them......... it does not mean that there were none.
Therapists will help one see the red flags....... they are cues that do display themselves.
Does not mean that we don't decide to go ahead with the relationship.
Many times, we decide to go ahead-----even when we do see red flags.
But just as often, we don't really understand the implications of those red flags..... that they can present themselves later, with tremendous hurt to us.
We think that we can handle it.......we think it is a 'trade-off'.
AND SOMETIMES IT IS.
Sometimes even looking back........ it was a good idea, at the time, to get into that relationship because the good outweighed the bad. Of course, we all think that, at the beginning of a relationship. But sometimes, for MANY reasons------ even if we see the junk-------- it IS a good idea to get into that relationship.
NO ONE ------- NO ONE -------- has the right to lay down rules FOR YOU that "this one was a good idea" and "this one over here was a bad idea" (to get into a relationship with).
It's just a good idea to very realistically, without denial and without minimizing, look at one's own patterns and decide what we want to put up with and what we don't........so that we don't repeat the hurts that WE think are just not worth it........ NOT whether or not SOMEONE ELSE thinks that a particular behavior is "not worth it".
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