Saturday, May 28, 2011

Knowing that it's hard to lose an alcoholic...........

(I copied and pasted this chapter from the "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book...from the section on this website called 'DOZENS of excerpted GTS book chapters". One can go to that section by scrolling down the green sidebar on the left side of every page on this website, and clicking it on..... then, you can click on and read, dozens of chapters from 4 of the books).

here is the chapter-------


PART ONE (of the book): "The non-addicted partners' illusions that keep them attached to alcoholic/abusive persons"


Chapter 3: "Knowing That It’s Hard to Lose an Alcoholic, Helps to Calm Us Down and Keep Us on the Recovery Path"

I said in my first book, "Getting Them Sober, Volume One", that it’s hard to lose an alcoholic.

People have written to me and asked me what I meant by that.

Basically, it means this: You can marry him; divorce him; remarry someone else; repeat the process. And the probability is that he’ll still want to be with you (what­ever that means to him), in the long run.

I know of a couple who have been separated for over 40 years. He lives in the woods of New Hampshire as a resident alcoholic recluse, Each Christmas, Easter, and birthday, he sends her a card . . . and he still considers her “his wife.”

This is not unusual.

This can be useful information to have, to get through the times when you are feeling panicky about losing him.

However, you may ask, “But when will he come back, this time?”

It seems unfortunate, but the alcoholic/addict often begins to return home (wooing you all over again, albeit for a short time before starting on his “junk’’ again) when you begin to not want him around anymore.

He often appears again before you get over him entirely (and you can!). He probably doesn’t want to lose you. He has what I call “alcoholic radar.” (When they are into this behavior, they know just what to do; when to pop up.)

During those terrible panic times when you are un­able to do much else than think about getting him back, it can be very comforting to have this information. And it helps to know that even if he leaves again, if you are willing to put up with it, he probably will keep coming back.

But, it is good to remember the facts: as long as he continues to drink, the alcoholic will probably continue his elusive behavior.

Remembering that can help you to become more self-protective and keep some of yourself emotionally sep­arated from the situation.

Later, when you are calmer, you can deal with the idea of staying in a relationship with an alcoholic (or otherwise emotional­ly-unavailable person).

But, for now, just knowing that he will most likely be back (it you still want him) can help you through these panic-times.

* * *

Counselors sometimes ask me, “Why do you reassure her that he’ll probably come back, when it’s healthier for her to realize how sick that relationship is, and that she must let go?”

When families enter treatment, they most likely do not have to be told that an abusive (emotionally and/or physically) relationship is not good for them. They know it.

Very often, her history is that she and the alcoholic have both blamed her for the relationship problems over the years. If I chastise her for wanting him back, I am subtly adding to that blame to make her feel, again, that she is “wrong.”

If a counselor is baffled and shocked by the fact that she “still wants him back,” she does not understand addictive families.

Families’ greatest fear is that “they will lose him.”

Only if we can get beyond that obsessive fear, by telling her the reassuring facts, can we seriously get down to looking at options. For, when her panic dies down, she is often very willing to begin to look at reality. If I press her to look at this reality too soon, she will probably stop treatment, and then there is no chance to help her.

In other words, we do not lose ground by not getting right down to Divorce and Getting On With Your Life. And if I focus on what I think she should do (instead of under­standing that she is nowhere near that, in reality), she inherently knows that I know nothing about her.





























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