Here, I've 'copied and pasted' part of the Guidelines from that box, above, on this page.
"Do not advise others to stay in, or leave, their relationships. And do not give any advice -- direct or implied -- at all. Please just share your own experience, strength, and hope --and others can glean for themselves, what they would like to do. 1/3 of marriages (and more, in alcoholic homes) have domestic violence, and we do NOT know enough about any situation, on the internet, to make suggestions that would, for certain, not put them in danger, if they carried them out."
Part of "..and do not give any advice" includes not telling people to "stay strong".
Why?
What happens when that is done?
a. people think, when reading this, that it is good.......after all, who wants to "be weak"? Or who wants to be considered to "be weak"?.
But, almost all of us are going to vacillate--- go back and forth on feelings, actions--- at least 8 times ---or 80 times----- before we 'land' where we want to finally be-----at a place that is good for our own unique situation.
b. Then, what happens after we post for help------and we read a reply that says, "stay strong" from a well-meaning person?
We at first, think, 'oh yes --thanks for the reminder! I'll do that!"
Then-----for MOST of us------ reality sets in----the anger dies down for the moment----- and we miss them---- we go into whatever we go into, in our heads---- and we DON'T "stay strong" (whatever that means to you).
And then what?
We feel shame.
We get scared to post that "we reverted"......again.
ESPECIALLY if we have gone back and forth dozens of times-----and we're scared that people are rolling their eyes at us.
What then? Many of us then retreat into silence, and don't post.
We're just too ashamed to let people know that we "were not strong".
c. And------- what do most of us mean when we admonish someone to 'stay strong'?
We almost always say that to someone when they HAVE LEFT a situation...... like, "great! now STAY away!"......or we say it to someone when they 'stood their ground'....... or 'told him off'.
The same shaming applies to all that.
When they again stop telling him off-----or they go back home-----or they tell him they love him-----or they call him------ or whatever----- they do it with shame.......for, they remember that they were told to "stay strong".
And they weren't "being strong".
Please please do not post and tell others to "stay strong".
I do delete posts that say that to people.
For goodness sakes, we ALL know that it does not feel good when we return to yukky situations!
We all know that it feels not-good when we call him-----and he has contempt in his voice when we do so.
THAT feels bad enough.
We don't need to feel shame on top of it.
We will ALL work through our particular dilemmas of whether to stay or leave------or find another option------ WHEN we are allowed to do so WITHOUT PRESSURES OR PERSUASIONS.
Al-Anon is SO wise.
It says, "we do not give advice."
And-----the paradox is, we all find our own ways, in our own time, on our own path-----when we ARE allowed to do so without pressures or persuasions------- SOONER THAN IF WE HAD HEARD THE WELL-MEANING BUT SHAMING WORDS, 'STAY STRONG'. ........ love to all, Toby
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