Wednesday, May 18, 2011

MORE on --when we've been told "we're enablers"

It is normal for us, when we've been told by some therapists // the media --- that we're "enablers"..... that we internalize it.

Problem is, it is a very shaming term, for most of us.

And it is totally un-necessary for that term to be used 'on us'......

In the "Getting Your Children Sober" book (and in the "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book, too) I talk about this very important issue--- for, the implicit shaming in that terminology sends so many of us family members fleeing from counseling -- and gun-shy about seeking any more help again....which results in tens of thousands of family members going down the drain with the alcoholic because they've been so shamed and are afraid to seek any kind of help again, including going to Al-Anon.

(When I'm training counselors, they often tell me that the family members do not return to counseling, once they have a session "about their being enablers").

Here is a small excerpt from the "Getting Your Children Sober" book about this issue..........Please don't let the term 'children' be off-putting -----it applies to adults, too.

(This excerpt is from the chapter about the ways that mental-health counseling has failed to help families of alcoholics).

"Myth #6: When parents are told they are “enablers,” it leads them to stop the enabling.

“Enabling” is meant to describe the res­cue opera­tions that the spouse or parent of an alcoholic carries out, when she can’t stand watching the alcoholic suffer the con­se­quences of the disease. When that hap­pens, she “cleans up” the alcoholic’s messes (lies to the school that the son has the flu when the child was actually picked up for drunk driving).
That way, the alco­holic doesn’t suffer the real conse­quences of his behavior.

A parent must learn, eventually, to get some detach­ment on watching these crises happen in order to stop cleaning up after the child.
The idea is to allow the disease to hurt the child so much that he or she wants to get sober.
Of course, it takes a parent a lot of time in a healing group such as Al-Anon in order to be able to do this.
And this detach­ment can’t be forced or rushed by counselors. It is a slow process, and very frightening to the parent.

When a mother rescues her alcoholic child and I label her an enabler, she ob­viously is still doing the rescuing behav­iors and is not yet unafraid enough to give them up.
She knows I am being judg­mental when I use this term.
Even when I say it lovingly, I seem to be admonishing her to go faster than she is capable of doing at that time.
And she feels des­pairing, because she is doing her best.
She may get so discouraged and frustrated and overwhelmed that she stops treatment.

More specifically, the term 'enabler' implies that while the parents did not cause the drinking, their rescue operations con­tributed to the perpetuation of the drinking.
Such thinking is dangerous; it leads alco­holics, who are already looking for a way to blame others for the drinking, into again placing responsibility for the drink­ing on the family.

Alcoholics do not need any encourage­ment to blame others!

Alcoholism coun­selors spend most of their time trying to crack through the blame-systems of alco­holics.

It is considered to be a major break­through in the wellness process of alcoholics when they begin to acknowl­edge that nothing “got them drunk.”

In contrast, alcoholics who have had relapses and are re-entering treatment are now often heard saying, “I wouldn’t have gone out that time if I hadn’t been enabled!”

The alternative to being labeled 'enablers' is to teach you to end the rescue operations through the simple but effec­tive process of detach­ment.

For, de­tach­ment will help end your fears – and it is your fears that origi­nally caused you to rescue.

And even though, in this book, we are pri­mar­ily talking about par­ents and kids, the detachment process is espe­cially important if you also are married to an alcoholic.

It is important for you to lose your fears of that adult alcoholic so you can get on with your life and become more able to deal with your children-alcoholics.

How does detachment work? How does it help you to lose your fears of your alcoholic child or spouse?
The general process goes something like this:

1) When you begin to learn ways to stop watching the alcoholic in order to begin the healing process of seeing to your own needs, the alcoholic has ­radar and senses this switch in focus.

2) Much of the “games” stop then, be­cause the alcoholic knows that less attention will be paid to him or her.

3) By continuing to focus on yourself in­stead of the alcoholic, you get an even greater distance (i.e., detach­ment) from the threats, and begin to lose your fears of them.

4) Again, the alcoholic senses this. He or she begins to threaten even less.

5) You see that detachment works! You gain more confidence. Many of the illusions in your household are begin­ning to end.

6) You lose much of your preoccupation with the alcoholic. Your pre­occu­pa­tion was based on your needing to stop him or her from hurting you. You now see they are much less capable of hurting you than you thought. They’ve already done most of the damage they can do. But the game has been to keep up more of the same junk, to keep up the illusion that the alcoholic is powerful. This no longer works. You have learned not to look at him or her; to walk out of the room; out of the house – to not beg.

7) The alcoholic now stands alone with his or her disease. ("The cheese stands alone").
They’ve lost their audience, and therefore drop much of the bullying. You are not watching it.

8) The alcoholic can no longer get you to believe you are responsible for his or her drinking and for the craziness in that house.

9) The alcoholic has a chance to grow up and make a decision to get help.

10) You are free.

When I teach family members the dynamic of what I have just described, they begin to naturally let go of the disease – to detach, and therefore stop 'enabling' – ­because they are losing their fears of the alcoholics.

ALL OF US STOP MANIPULATING AND CONTROLLING OTHERS WHEN WE LOSE OUR FEARS OF WHAT THEY WILL DO.
* * *
ALSO------- try using the word "rescuer" instead of "enabler" when you speak of yourself and your history of rescuing the alcoholic.
It "means the same"-------but the CONNOTATION is kinder. When we 'are called' rescuers-------it implies that we meant well ------not so with the word 'enabler'.

No matter what the term, we can stop the behavior, if we are gently led on how to do so. IMPORTANT------- of course, only follow any suggestions on the internet if it is physically safe for you and your children to do so-------AND of course, be discerning.......if the alcoholic's life is in danger -----OF COURSE we rescue him!
And-------- we also are discerning along common-sense lines. In other words, if it is 'rescuing' to pay the utilities, we often of course pay them or WE suffer the consequences.. But we think of areas in which we can back off and not pick up the pieces and rescue him--------if the consequences do not hurt the family.

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