But so often, when we read that "it's hard to lose an alcoholic'-----and if we still want him to come back-----and if he has not yet done so---- we feel frustrated ----- when the alcoholic that we are with, does not seem to fit in the pattern of "they come back to us".
But what did I actually write?
a.) I wrote in the books that "it's hard to lose an alcoholic"...(you can read a chapter on this -----in the "DOZENS of GTS book excerpts" section on this website. Just click-on the chapters in the "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book-----and scroll-down------it's Chapter 3. Feel free to print it out and make copies ----of that chapter or any of the chapters from that section of the website.)
BUT I also wrote that MOST ----NOT ALL------ COME BACK TO US.
OF COURSE there will be some who do not.
No one particular pattern fits all alcoholics.
But----read on------"it ain't over til the heavyset lady sings" -----
b.) What I also wrote---ABOUT THE 'WHEN' OF WHEN THEY COME BACK---- is that you/he can "get divorced'----'remarried to someone else'------AND THEN HE STILL WILL PROBABLY SHOW UP AT YOUR DOOR, YEARS LATER.
I did NOT say that they come back after a short time separated....nor did I say that they come back after being with one other woman or two or three of them.
Again----what I said was -------- "you (or he) can marry//get divorced//re-marry//etc etc......and he'll probably show up again, at the door, like nothing happened, and say, "Hi babe.....how ya doing?!"--------YEARS LATER.
I repeat this here, because we OF COURSE get so upset, that we need to hear, over and over, the facts of this disease------the PATTERNS that most of us can expect.
We often need to hear the patterns over and over, so that we can pretty much know what is happening-------and what we can usually expect.
THAT is the pattern that often happens......the pattern of He'll Probably Show up again------- as if nothing happened.
**** IMPORTANT------ Almost NONE of the family members that I've counseled over the years, agrees with me that "he'll almost assuredly be back!" ------ they say things like, "Oh, he's happy with that new girl he met in the bar" or "He won't even speak to me......whaddaya mean he'll be back".
And almost ALL of them call me months or years later------and say, "I CAN'T believe it! He showed up!
WE------- because we're "not them"------ look at things with not-boozed-up brains. THEY think nothing of it that they left us// didn't pay child support// took up with a youngster AND her sister// and then shows up like nothing happened!
So-----it's "easy" for them to 'show up again'.
Half the time, they don't even remember everything they did-------or everyone they lived with!
c.) I also wrote that they MOSTLY only show up WHEN WE DON'T WANT THEM ANYMORE ------------ OR WHEN WE ARE RIGHT ON THE VERGE OF NOT WANTING THEM ANYMORE.
******* What frustrates US so much (understandably) is that when we DO want them still------------- they do not YET show up.
WHY? Probably because even their RADAR is self-centered!
Probably their radar 'knows' that they STILL have us "in their back pocket" TO SOME DEGREE-------and therefore, they think they don't have to "do any work" to get us back AGAIN. This seems to be at least one of the reasons that they 'take their time' to show up again............ awful awful disease of self-centered alcoholism.......... much love to all, Toby