a. his disease WILL progress as long as he is drinking......and even though this sounds awful-------- things will change because the disease progresses-----and he will either die or go totally insane and wind up in an institution because he will have no memory and know no one, including himself. Believe me, it is so true that so many of us almost look forward to this--------NOT because we don't love them.
But because we feel we cannot go through this forever. We feel it MUST resolve.
(I realize that many people will think "Oh my.... what a thing to write about....... his death might make us feel relief". I wrote this because it IS what many thinK-----and are SO ashamed for thinking it. We NEED to give VOICE to what we REALLY feel........so we get over the shame of feeling it. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN YOUR FEELINGS. Most people have terrible 'wish' feelings about others, at different times in their lives. Feeling something is normal.... we don't act on it, of course...... but feelings are just feelings. When a little child's parent dies, if the child is in counseling, the counselor will usually quickly reassure the child that if he had thoughts before the parent died, of wanting the parent to die, that it did not create the death. Thoughts don't do that. Thinking so is called "magical thinking". When we've been abused as children, we often, in our healing, find that we need to deal with those leftover irrational pieces of our dysfunctional childhoods------including the irrational guilt for having 'magical thinking'.)
b. MANY OF THEM-------OUT OF THE BLUE------DO RECOVER. And MOST of them do recovery JUST WHEN WE TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY THINK THERE IS NO CHANCE OF IT.
c. Yes------- we often post here, that we hate them. But most of us who are still with them (and that is MOST of us) OF COURSE want them to stop drinking and recover------EVEN THOUGH WE OF COURSE HATE THEM A LOT-----WHO WOULD NOT? THE WAY WE ARE TREATED, THEY ARE LUCKY WE ONLY JUST HATE THEM!.
d. MOST of them who go to A.A. and recovery DO become nicer. Even though of course there are alcoholics who are still rotten even when sober------THAT IS NOT MOST OF THEM.
e. And what do we do MEANWHILE?
1. one of the first things to do is to STOP FEELING EMBARRASSED AND ASHAMED OF FEELING FROZEN WITH FEAR AND NOT-KNOWING WHAT TO DO. Start, instead, to ACCEPT where you are, right now. Does that mean that you might need some anti-depressants, for awhile? THAT IS A VERY INDIVIDUAL MATTER AND NEEDS ONLY TO BE DISCUSSED WITH A HEALTH PROFESSIONAL, IN PERSON. THAT IS NOT A MATTER OF THIS OR ANY OTHER INTERNET BOARD TO MAKE THAT DECISION FOR YOU.
What else goes on around this 'self acceptance'? Almost all of us-------when feeling "inert" ----- "frozen" with fear around taking an action------ CAN start with a small small step
-------AFTER FIRST accepting oneself that one cannot make any step at all.
There is something paradoxical and very empowering over oneself, when one FIRST accepts oneself------with ALL our warts.... and with NO SHAME ABOUT ANY OF THEM.
After all, God accepts us-------who in the world should ANYONE else have the right to judge us? ........... love to all, Toby (P.S...... Please see the other post I made today ------ called "can't leave----can't stay" ----- it is similar, in that it deals with when we feel so awful with either choice----staying in the relationship OR leaving it).
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