When they are always "doing for others in the community"------and hardly ever giving to you-------- it's not for 'others'-----it's to impress others ABOUT THEM-----ABOUT their 'community-mindedness' --------- No need to impress the partner anymore----they're "already in their corner" giving them what they want. (Yes, everyone likes othes to 'think well' of them......but the partner of the alcoholic is usually a person who PRIMARILY likes to help others! THEY help others PRIMARILY to bring the focus on to THEM.)
AGAIN------- cannot say this enough------- the A.A. Big Book (the 'bible' of the A.A. program) says, "the MAIN problem of the alcoholic is his selfishness and self-centeredness" ------
******* A big part of OUR recovery is to INTERNALIZE that truth------- that the MAIN MAIN problem of the alcoholic is his selfishness and self-centeredness.
AGAIN------- cannot say this enough------- the A.A. Big Book (the 'bible' of the A.A. program) says, "the MAIN problem of the alcoholic is his selfishness and self-centeredness" ------
******* A big part of OUR recovery is to INTERNALIZE that truth------- that the MAIN MAIN problem of the alcoholic is his selfishness and self-centeredness.
And OUR main problem is our "give give give" tendency.
WHAT A PAIR!!!!!!! THEY TAKE TOO MUCH AND WE GIVE TOO MUCH--------NO WONDER WE FOUND EACH OTHER!
When I"m training counselors, I bring out a blackboard, and draw a bell-curve on it. At one end of the curve, I write "the heart of the disease is the alcoholic blames the family member and the family takes that blame"..... at the other end of the curve, I write, "the heart of the recovery is that the alcoholic CONSISTENTLY enjoys nurturing and giving to the family------and the family member CONSISTENTLY enjoys the nurturing and takes it in with no guilt."
What happens, often, when the family member starts the pattern of 'consistently giving less to the alcoholic------ and giving to herself more, instead'?
When I'm counseling a family member, I 'listen' for the clues that get told to me as little phrases ------ "for Christmas, I got him new seatcovers for his station wagon" It set her back hundreds of dollars.
In spite of his lovey-dovey words that accompanied his gifts to her, they cost him way less than half of what she spent.
When I question the details of their time together, in terms of finances, what she spends-------most of the time--------- adds up to much more than what he does.
She did not intend for it to be like that. It did not start out that way. It 'just happened'.
This happens to most of us-------- we NEVER start out that way.
We WOULD NOT have started out that way.
We just slowly get 'used to' that way of being with them.
They snooker us and fool us with WORDS------- but their ACTIONS------- INCLUDING THEIR FINANCIAL ACTIONS----- are VERY different from their words.
The "I love you's" do indeed come out their mouths with a very big price tag (LITERALLY)..... love to all, Toby------P.S.
a.) not all alcoholics are like that----- others have non-financial ways of getting to us.
b.) Many have SEVERAL ways of 'getting to us'. But they ALL have 'ways' of 'getting to us'. As I wrote in the books, we can sit in a circle, and pass our alcoholics over to the person on our right. And within 15 minutes, he'll find out HER achilles-heel-------her vulnerabilities------- and "do it" to her in ways that get to HER.
WHAT A PAIR!!!!!!! THEY TAKE TOO MUCH AND WE GIVE TOO MUCH--------NO WONDER WE FOUND EACH OTHER!
When I"m training counselors, I bring out a blackboard, and draw a bell-curve on it. At one end of the curve, I write "the heart of the disease is the alcoholic blames the family member and the family takes that blame"..... at the other end of the curve, I write, "the heart of the recovery is that the alcoholic CONSISTENTLY enjoys nurturing and giving to the family------and the family member CONSISTENTLY enjoys the nurturing and takes it in with no guilt."
What happens, often, when the family member starts the pattern of 'consistently giving less to the alcoholic------ and giving to herself more, instead'?
When I'm counseling a family member, I 'listen' for the clues that get told to me as little phrases ------ "for Christmas, I got him new seatcovers for his station wagon" It set her back hundreds of dollars.
In spite of his lovey-dovey words that accompanied his gifts to her, they cost him way less than half of what she spent.
When I question the details of their time together, in terms of finances, what she spends-------most of the time--------- adds up to much more than what he does.
She did not intend for it to be like that. It did not start out that way. It 'just happened'.
This happens to most of us-------- we NEVER start out that way.
We WOULD NOT have started out that way.
We just slowly get 'used to' that way of being with them.
They snooker us and fool us with WORDS------- but their ACTIONS------- INCLUDING THEIR FINANCIAL ACTIONS----- are VERY different from their words.
The "I love you's" do indeed come out their mouths with a very big price tag (LITERALLY)..... love to all, Toby------P.S.
a.) not all alcoholics are like that----- others have non-financial ways of getting to us.
b.) Many have SEVERAL ways of 'getting to us'. But they ALL have 'ways' of 'getting to us'. As I wrote in the books, we can sit in a circle, and pass our alcoholics over to the person on our right. And within 15 minutes, he'll find out HER achilles-heel-------her vulnerabilities------- and "do it" to her in ways that get to HER.
c.) And-----it's not that they are so smart-------THEIR DISEASE IS SMART------- as the Big Book of A.A. says, ALCOHOLISM (not the alcoholic) is cunning, baffling, and powerful. I have shopping bags of letters from family members around the world, who told me that THEIR alcoholic said "those words you wrote" in THEIR language-----IN THE SAME WORDS.
The more WE fall into the ILLUSION that it's THEM who's "so smart" about snookering us------ the longer it will take for us to recover from the effects of their disease. Remembering that it is the DISEASE that is so smart about fooling us------NOT HIM------ BRINGS HIM BACK DOWN TO RIGHT-SIZED. NOT TIN-GOD SIZED.
More Topics:
No comments:
Post a Comment