I am always so happy for those who post, who have worked very very hard for a very long time, to get to the point where they are able to emotionally detach from the junk perpetrated by the alcoholic.
But my thoughts are often about "how would the newcomer feel when she reads any of the postings?"
And I want to stress SO MUCH to the newcomer who OF COURSE is in enormous emotional pain-------- that you CANNOT expect yourself to go from Point A to Point Z in one fell swoop.
In other words--------- most newcomers will of course try to 'feel good' and 'detach from the zingers coming at you'.
And------- you will have some successes at first------OF COURSE! But it takes a long time to learn HOW to get out of the way of emotional abuse.
And VERY IMPORTANT-------WHEN WE CANNOT DO THAT, AT FIRST, WE TEND TO THINK LESS OF OURSELVES.
WE ADD SHAME TO THE MIX.
WE THINK, "OH THAT PERSON POSTED THAT SHE IS DOING GREAT......AND I AM STILL STUCK......AND THEREFORE I AM NOT DOING AS WELL AS SHE IS.....AND IT IS MY FAULT.......I MUST NOT BE WORKING MY PROGRAM OF RECOVERY AS WELL AS SHE DOES.
SO SHAME ON ME."
THAT is the problem.
THAT is why I am posting this.
For----------- one of the WORST things that we family members do, when we are (even unconsciously) admonishing ourselves for "not doing family recovery fast or well enough"------is we ARE COMPARING OURSELVES TO OTHERS---------AND EXPECTING PERFECTION AND GREAT RECOVERY FOR OURSELVES VERY SOON------AND FEELING GREAT SHAME WHEN WE DO NOT.
AND THEN THIS SHAME THAT WE DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT WE ARE HEAPING UPON OURSELVES BECOMES COMPOUNDED.
HOW? WHEN WE, ONCE AGAIN FEEL BAD FROM ABUSE THAT IS ONCE AGAIN PERPETRATED ON US---------THEN WE GET ASHAMED TO EVEN TELL OTHERS-------OR OURSELVES------ THAT WE "DIDN'T KEEP UP OUR GREAT RECOVERY THAT WE THOUGHT WE HAD "DOWN PAT"'.
And it's all because we think that "once we have that taste of peace", that we must be perfect and keep it..........that we cannot, without shame, tell others that we are hurting once again.
I think that one of the worst issues for most of us families of alcoholics, is this shame and self-expectation that we APPEAR that we are ALWAYS doing great.
I know that, as the author of the Getting Them Sober books------I get this junk from others, all the time!
They don't always say it---------but I 'get looks' when I "go to meetings" and talk about MY stuff.
People do not expect --------OR WANT------- me, to have issues.
They WANT me to be perfect-------BECAUSE THEY HAVE NOT YET FACED THEIR OWN FAMILIES OF ALCOHOLICS BIGGEST ISSUE------ need for perfection.
And the person who's upset when she does not like that I have any issues-------- who she is most upset with------is herself.
This gets worse.
When she feels ashamed of her own 'issues' because she is feeling like she must be perfect..........OR AT LEAST, PRESENT A PERFECT AND STRONG FRONT TO THE WORLD........
THEN SHE IS TOO ASHAMED TO TELL ANYONE THAT SHE FEELS ASHAMED OF HERSELF!
......AND SHE JUST CONTINUES TO HURT, INSIDE.
.....AND IT ERODES HER, FROM THE INSIDE OUT.......BECAUSE SHE CANNOT ADMIT THE SHAME ABOUT HER NOT-PERFECTNESS........ABOUT HER 'WEAKNESS'........ABOUT HER VULNERABILITY.
This issue is a HUGE issue in the mental-health profession.
When I am training counselors, one of the things I do when trying to 'draw them out' ----- is tell them, right off the bat, about 'an issue' I am currently working on.
Then, I look at the audience, and notice shock on most faces (for my admitting anything). And contempt on a few faces, for my admitting ANY "issue" that I have.
They don't even know it is contempt.
And they don't know it is, underneath it all, contempt for their own un-admitted 'weaknesses'...........issues.
They don't know, way down deep, that every one of God's children will have issues until the EKG is flat.
Much of my training mental-health counselors is just about that issue-------trying to help mental-health professionals look at // admit// this awful self-shaming------- and 70%+ of those mental-health professionals are untreated adult children of alcoholics........most of them, the first-born.
They are "the hero's"..... the 'strong' ones........the ones who feel crushed inside, when they even suspect that THEY have issues ---- They see "issues" as primarily "weakness" and "vulnerability".
BUT NEVER WOULD THEY TELL THEMSELVES OR OTHERS THAT BECAUSE IT IS POLITICALLY INCORRECT TO DO SO! THEY 'KNOW' THAT PEOPLE ARE 'ALLOWED' TO HAVE ISSUES....... BUT THEY, DOWN DEEP, DO NOT BELIEVE THAT BEING A 'STRONG' PERSON AND 'HAVING ISSUES' IS COMPATIBLE.
This issue with mental-health professionals, is a major one----- for, if they cannot allow themselves to be "weak" (have issues) ------ their contempt for the PATIENTS who go to them for treatment will continue unabated.... love to all, Toby
But my thoughts are often about "how would the newcomer feel when she reads any of the postings?"
And I want to stress SO MUCH to the newcomer who OF COURSE is in enormous emotional pain-------- that you CANNOT expect yourself to go from Point A to Point Z in one fell swoop.
In other words--------- most newcomers will of course try to 'feel good' and 'detach from the zingers coming at you'.
And------- you will have some successes at first------OF COURSE! But it takes a long time to learn HOW to get out of the way of emotional abuse.
And VERY IMPORTANT-------WHEN WE CANNOT DO THAT, AT FIRST, WE TEND TO THINK LESS OF OURSELVES.
WE ADD SHAME TO THE MIX.
WE THINK, "OH THAT PERSON POSTED THAT SHE IS DOING GREAT......AND I AM STILL STUCK......AND THEREFORE I AM NOT DOING AS WELL AS SHE IS.....AND IT IS MY FAULT.......I MUST NOT BE WORKING MY PROGRAM OF RECOVERY AS WELL AS SHE DOES.
SO SHAME ON ME."
THAT is the problem.
THAT is why I am posting this.
For----------- one of the WORST things that we family members do, when we are (even unconsciously) admonishing ourselves for "not doing family recovery fast or well enough"------is we ARE COMPARING OURSELVES TO OTHERS---------AND EXPECTING PERFECTION AND GREAT RECOVERY FOR OURSELVES VERY SOON------AND FEELING GREAT SHAME WHEN WE DO NOT.
AND THEN THIS SHAME THAT WE DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT WE ARE HEAPING UPON OURSELVES BECOMES COMPOUNDED.
HOW? WHEN WE, ONCE AGAIN FEEL BAD FROM ABUSE THAT IS ONCE AGAIN PERPETRATED ON US---------THEN WE GET ASHAMED TO EVEN TELL OTHERS-------OR OURSELVES------ THAT WE "DIDN'T KEEP UP OUR GREAT RECOVERY THAT WE THOUGHT WE HAD "DOWN PAT"'.
And it's all because we think that "once we have that taste of peace", that we must be perfect and keep it..........that we cannot, without shame, tell others that we are hurting once again.
I think that one of the worst issues for most of us families of alcoholics, is this shame and self-expectation that we APPEAR that we are ALWAYS doing great.
I know that, as the author of the Getting Them Sober books------I get this junk from others, all the time!
They don't always say it---------but I 'get looks' when I "go to meetings" and talk about MY stuff.
People do not expect --------OR WANT------- me, to have issues.
They WANT me to be perfect-------BECAUSE THEY HAVE NOT YET FACED THEIR OWN FAMILIES OF ALCOHOLICS BIGGEST ISSUE------ need for perfection.
And the person who's upset when she does not like that I have any issues-------- who she is most upset with------is herself.
This gets worse.
When she feels ashamed of her own 'issues' because she is feeling like she must be perfect..........OR AT LEAST, PRESENT A PERFECT AND STRONG FRONT TO THE WORLD........
THEN SHE IS TOO ASHAMED TO TELL ANYONE THAT SHE FEELS ASHAMED OF HERSELF!
......AND SHE JUST CONTINUES TO HURT, INSIDE.
.....AND IT ERODES HER, FROM THE INSIDE OUT.......BECAUSE SHE CANNOT ADMIT THE SHAME ABOUT HER NOT-PERFECTNESS........ABOUT HER 'WEAKNESS'........ABOUT HER VULNERABILITY.
This issue is a HUGE issue in the mental-health profession.
When I am training counselors, one of the things I do when trying to 'draw them out' ----- is tell them, right off the bat, about 'an issue' I am currently working on.
Then, I look at the audience, and notice shock on most faces (for my admitting anything). And contempt on a few faces, for my admitting ANY "issue" that I have.
They don't even know it is contempt.
And they don't know it is, underneath it all, contempt for their own un-admitted 'weaknesses'...........issues.
They don't know, way down deep, that every one of God's children will have issues until the EKG is flat.
Much of my training mental-health counselors is just about that issue-------trying to help mental-health professionals look at // admit// this awful self-shaming------- and 70%+ of those mental-health professionals are untreated adult children of alcoholics........most of them, the first-born.
They are "the hero's"..... the 'strong' ones........the ones who feel crushed inside, when they even suspect that THEY have issues ---- They see "issues" as primarily "weakness" and "vulnerability".
BUT NEVER WOULD THEY TELL THEMSELVES OR OTHERS THAT BECAUSE IT IS POLITICALLY INCORRECT TO DO SO! THEY 'KNOW' THAT PEOPLE ARE 'ALLOWED' TO HAVE ISSUES....... BUT THEY, DOWN DEEP, DO NOT BELIEVE THAT BEING A 'STRONG' PERSON AND 'HAVING ISSUES' IS COMPATIBLE.
This issue with mental-health professionals, is a major one----- for, if they cannot allow themselves to be "weak" (have issues) ------ their contempt for the PATIENTS who go to them for treatment will continue unabated.... love to all, Toby
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